If noted evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins is correct, a real-life planet of the apes is right around the corner. And someday, planet of the snails.
“Evolution is wildly in reverse,” argued Dawkins, lighting a pipe. Blowing a perfect “O” smoke ring, he added, “I’d wager real money my grandson will actually be a monkey’s uncle.”
Human evolution
Dawson noted that the earliest modern humans lived about 200,000 years ago during the Middle Paleolithic period. “There were vaguely humanoid creatures like Ardipithecus and Australopithecus millions of years ago, but they were fools,” he asserted. “They couldn’t cook, do the laundry, mow the lawn or or even flush the toilet.” Dawson took another puff of his pipe. “Sounds just like my neighbor’s snot-nosed boy.”
He pointed out that homo sapiens evolved very quickly as compared to other species. “Take the dinosaur,” he said. “They roamed the planet for hundreds of millions of years, and yet evolution barely touched them.” Asked to elaborate, he explained, “We know this because of visual confirmation. When you compare the Dilophosaurus from Jurassic Park to Dino from The Flintstones, they were virtually identical twins.” He nodded confidently. “From an evolutionary perspective, that’s a very long period of time, starting 200 million years ago and ending with Dino’s death in 1966.
Dino from the flintstones died???
No!!!— Joe Branson (@tomokato) November 11, 2010
Peak of humanity
The evolutionary biologist argued in his latest book Planet of the Dopes that mankind reached its pinnacle in 1969. “It’s patently obvious,” he said. “The Beatles performed their last public concert, Mickey Mantle retired, Canada legalized the condom and man landed on the moon.” Dawkins exhaled more blue smoke. “Clearly, evolution peaked right then and there.”
Sadly, mankind’s demise began a few months later with the advent of disco. “Disco started our downfall,” Dawkins asserted. “A decade of bad music, awful hair, and insipid television like The Brady Bunch Hour and AfterMASH.” He shook his head sadly. “And you had to go into those dank, sticky theaters to watch porn!”
Fast forward to the present, and the reverse evolution of mankind is on full display. “Take a look at our political leaders,” he said. “Trump and Biden gibber like simpletons, Sanders spits with rage and Graham steals from anyone within grabbing range.” Dawkins folded his arms. “If all that isn’t ape-like behavior, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.”
The future of the planet
Dawson postulated that mankind’s reverse evolution will continue at an increasingly rapid pace. “Within a century, apes will rule the earth,” he asserted. “But the planet of the apes won’t last long, because in another hundred years, horses will take over.” He opened Planet of the Dopes and turned to the last chapter. “Evolution will continue to slide down the scale about every hundred years until we finally see the second advent of what was meant to roam the planet all along.” Dawson snuffed out his pipe. “The dinosaur.”
The evolutionary biologist said that although dinosaurs would probably last for millions of years, it wouldn’t be forever. “Dinosaurs were scary wimps,” he explained. “They went extinct once before, so they’ll probably do so again.” He packed up his briefcase. “The smart money says if that happens, we’ll probably see bats and worms take over, and when they die off, snails.”
Dawson stood up and headed toward the door. “Snails” he mused, pondering the thought. “Now I know what I’m going to have for dinner tonight.”
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