In a nod to protesters demanding an end to racial inequity, Florida took a major step forward over the weekend. Following a spirited debate, the state’s legislature passed a resolution changing its nickname from ‘The Sunshine State‘ to ‘America’s Wang’.
“With this historic vote, we have finally tackled the most pressing social injustice of our times,” announced Governor Ron DeSantis in a prepared statement. “Our great Asian-American community, all but forgotten except when we eat Chinese food or visit the dry cleaners, is now rightfully celebrated.” He cleared his throat before continuing, “Our shameful record of racial profiling is over.”
DeSantis beamed from the podium. “Today, all Floridians are Wangs!”
Pyrrhic victory
Critics were quick to point out what they claimed to be flaws in the state’s legislative action. During a speech to Lunch Ladies Local 404 in Pensacola, Congressman Ted Deutch (FL-22) was asked by an 88-year old fry cook to comment about the nickname change. “Has anyone here seen The Princess Bride?” he asked, scanning the room. Seeing nothing but napping members and blank stares in the octogenarian crowd, he continued, “To paraphrase Inigo Montoya, I do not think it means what they think it means.”
Others felt the legislature zeroed in on the wrong distraction. “People don’t know history,” Deutch explained. “Especially young people. So let’s not bother with wordsmithing a stupid nickname.” He flashed the thumbs-up sign. “Let’s change history.”
Asked to explain what he meant, he said, “Legend has it that Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León named Florida after a thatch of weeds five hundred years ago. Where’s the sizzle in that? Instead of promulgating that bullshit, let’s take a page from the Donald Trump playbook and invent a story that we were named after one of the most influential African-American matriarchs of 70’s television — Florida Evans.”
Deutch claimed that ‘re-imagining’ Florida would require little more than a good story and enough Trump voters willing to swallow it. “Oh, we’ve got Trump voters all over the place down here,” he said reassuringly. “The average Floridian is what, 90 years old?” He nodded his head enthusiastically. “That’s his base!”
According to Deutch, claiming Florida was named after a strong black woman should send the protesters home, tails between their legs. “Give me another state willing to name itself after an oppressed minority?” he asked rhetorically. “Not counting New Mexico.”
Trump talks Florida
Hearing of Florida’s nickname change, the president weighed into the fray during an interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity.
Well, one of the things that will be really great, you know, the word experience is still good. I always say talent is more important than experience. I’ve always said that. But the word experience is a very important word. It’s an, a very important meaning.
I never did this before. I never slept over in Florida. I was in Florida, I think, 17 times. All of a sudden, I’m president of the United States. You know the story. I’m riding down Pennsylvania Avenue with our first lady and I say, ‘This is great’. But I didn’t know very many people in Florida, it wasn’t my thing. I was from Manhattan, from New York. Now, I know everybody, and I have great people in the administration.
You make some mistakes. Like, you know, an idiot like Bolton. The only thing he wanted to do was drop bombs on everybody. You don’t have to drop bombs on everybody. You don’t have to kill people.
Reactions on Twitter
Twitter made its feelings known about Florida being considered ‘America’s Wang’:
America's wang has syphilis. Thanks Trump
— burrito salad² (@pfft69pointO) June 30, 2020
Awesome, thanks! Stay safe down in America's Wang!
— Joel Spriggs (@joelspriggs) June 27, 2020
America's wang is drooping
— Patrick Murphy (@PatriklyMurfect) June 27, 2020
Like us on Facebook for humorous memes, videos and — of course — satire!
