Mindful of the effects of COVID-19, Congressional Republicans have finally embraced social distancing and vowed to separate themselves from President Trump through election day.
“We must remain unified and vigilant,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “With the virus raging throughout the country, we simply cannot risk presidential exposure. Effective immediately, congressional Republicans will distance themselves from Mr. Trump from now through November 3rd.”
Asked how far that might be, McConnell shrugged his shoulders. “In the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, too far is not far enough,” he replied. “We’re not going to touch him with a ten-foot pole.”
The Mad King
According to unnamed sources, the surging coronavirus epidemic has done more than just turn the president’s brain into mush. “He’s completely lost his mind,” whispered Kelleyanne C., requesting anonymity in order to speak candidly. “I mean, come on, the guy was a broken Mexican condom to begin with, but this virus has driven him absolutely batshit crazy.” She ran her fingers through her blond hair, exhaling slowly. “He’s a fucking loon.”
Also speaking off the record, economic advisor Kevin H. agreed. “He wanders the White House halls at night in an open bath robe, raging aloud about ‘junk’ science, gobbling down spoonfuls of mayonnaise and singing, “Too Ra Loo Ra Lou Rawls.” He took a drag from his cigarette, shaking his head. “Don’t ask.”
Immigration advisor Stephen M. rolled his eyes in exasperation. “I get accused of necrophilia with sheep and other sexy farm animals, and I’m the crazy one? Ten minutes in the Oval will set you straight on that issue, trust me.”
Who can figure out the true meaning of "covfefe" ??? Enjoy!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 31, 2017
Republicans are unified
Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) echoed McConnell’s comments. “It’s no secret that Florida is getting hammered by Covid-19 right now, and things look pretty grim. I echo Leader McConnell. For the good of the Republican party and people all around the world, I wouldn’t touch him with a 10-foot pole.” He shook his head firmly. “No freaking way.”
Perennial Trump suck-up Kevin McCarthy (R-Ca) called the pandemic a ‘hoax’ in one breath, but agreed to social distance himself from the president in the next. “Just because I support social distancing from Trump doesn’t mean that I don’t want another Benghazi hearing,” he proclaimed. “Because you can bet your ass that I do.”
Even recently-freed Batman villain Roger Stone concurred. “I love Donald Trump to death, but you gotta stay far, far away from that fucker,” he blathered on Hannity. “He makes me look like Robert Mueller.”
The internet expresses its support
Twitter users agreed that in the age of coronavirus, Republicans should apply the ‘ten-foot pole’ rule and socially distance themselves from Trump whenever possible.
Pro tip for elected Republicans- if your approval rating is within 6 points of Trump, you need to do better at social distancing.
— Dave Thul (@davethul) July 8, 2020
Without actually saying it, @GOP is finally pushing #SocialDistancing from Trump that is.
— Tim (@TC40219) July 13, 2020
It’s because they’re social distancing themselves from the virus of your presidency. Why volunteer to be on the losing side of history. It’s a wrap dude. YOU ARE THIER FALL GUY. Look around buddy…they’re all jumping ship. #Landslide2020 pic.twitter.com/88dMinjp5S
— Trump’s Vagina Neck (@NeckVagina1) July 13, 2020
Like us on Facebook for humorous memes, videos and — of course — satire!
