Social distancing, hand washing, face coverings … cosplay?
In an effort to convince more people to wear masks, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently added Star Wars costumes to the list of approved coronavirus defenses. “While mask wearing has increased substantially nationwide, there are still idiots who just won’t do it,” observed CDC Director Robert Redfield. “You know, inbred rednecks, imbeciles, politicians, those types.” Redfield cleaned his glasses, then continued. “We had to devise a way to make it both fun and cool to wear a mask, and what better way to do that than a little Star Wars cosplay?
Credit: giphy.com
Star Wars defense
Redfield defended the CDC’s decision to recommend Star Wars costumes in the battle against Covid-19. “First of all, shut up,” he said, eyes narrowing. “Second, we’re only endorsing the ones with coronavirus-resistant headwear like C3PO, Chewbacca, and that shriveled testicle Yoda.” Redfield dropped a wink. “Who would you rather be walking into a biker bar, Mickey stinking Mouse or Lord fucking Vader?”
Asked if the government would receive financial considerations from endorsing Star Wars, Redfield feigned surprise. “I don’t know how you can even suggest that,” he replied. “This is the Trump administration, not some unqualified collection of billionaires, grifters and sycophants.” He pointed to the National Weather Service building across the street. “If you’re looking for grift, check out what those weather nerds are up to.”
The science
The CDC director indicated the decision was made after rigorously applying the scientific method. “It’s a science fiction movie,” he explained, drawing out the last word. “Science was at the very heart of our vetting process.”
He paused for a minute to collect his thoughts. “Take a good look at the outfit,” he offered, waving the costume-wearing model to his side as she clanked onstage. “This is Stormy, and she’s rocking the skintight C3PO exoskeleton, isn’t she?” Rapping the metal breastplate with his knuckle, he said, “There’s no way one of those little virus buggers is making it through a hundred and twenty pounds of half-inch thick American-made steel.”
Redfield wolf-whistled slowly, adding, “Damn, that is one sexy robot. Who wouldn’t want to tap that?”
The director suggested children under the age of ten should wear C3PO’s husband R2D2. “It’s the only major Star Wars character outside of Yoda that’s small enough for them to fit inside,” he said helpfully. “Plus, in a pinch, it can double as a trash can.” He thought about it for a moment. “Or a toilet.”
Franchise veterans react
Questioned by reporters about his views on the efficacy of Star Wars costumes toward curbing the spread of coronavirus, franchise creator George Lucas stared in disbelief before wordlessly leaving the room. Reached at his Jackson Hole, Wyoming home, venerable actor Harrison Ford tersely replied, “I don’t have to answer this sort of crap anymore,” and hung up the phone.
Only Mark Hamill was willing to go on the record with his opinion. “I think it’s a fine idea,” he drawled. “If a cloth mask reduces the odds by two thirds, then a suit of armor or four-wheeling toilet should all but eliminate the risk.” Hamill straightened up, smiling broadly. “Like I used to say all the time in Star Wars, ‘May the Force something something!'”
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