Release the Sea Cups?
The Seattle Kraken — the NHL’s newest expansion franchise — considered a number of unconventional options before settling on their team name. Surprisingly, outside of Kraken, the final cut did not include any of the most argued-over choices.
“We didn’t want to go with any of the boring names thousands of unbalanced keyboard warriors thew at us,” explained franchise CEO Tod Leiweke. “As a result, we eliminated Sockeyes, Steelheads and Metropolitans early in the vetting process.” He cocked an eyebrow. “Why? Because like watching Ralph Wiggum pee, they disturbed our collective sense of well-being.”
Leiweke indicated that the process was thorough and meticulous, with disagreements occasionally resulting in heated exchanges. “We had our issues, most definitely,” he affirmed. “Bruckheimer fell in love with Sneeze after seeing it on a discredited web site, and wouldn’t let it go. He kept insisting he paid all this money, he should make the decision, yada yada. That led to a shouting match, followed by shoving one another.” Leiweke paused in mid-memory. “Finally, I boiled over and called him ‘Fuckheimer’, sucker-punching him right in the nose — ka-pow! After first aid treatment and a trip to the E.R., he eventually came to his senses.”
Seattle Kraken
According to Leiweke, the name Kraken was chosen because it was thought to be both weirder and stupider than the other options. “Think about it,” he mused rhetorically. “It’s a creature that doesn’t exist paired to a hockey team that doesn’t yet technically exist.” He scanned the room, taking note of the reporters’ reactions. “How stupid is that?”
From a marketing speaking, the weirdness of Kraken should create a myriad of public relations opportunities. “We’ll be called the Crack Whores, the Crack Pots, the Butt Cracks and lots of other pejoratives,” he predicted. “No matter what we name him, people will refer to our mascot as Phil McCrackin.” Leiweke grinned, enjoying the moment. “And we’ll be playing in the Crack Pipe, or fittingly, the Little Crack-House on the Prairie.” He looked up from his notes, adding, “That last one is still better than the Lemon Pledge Arena.”
Rejected names
Leiweke proceeded to list the last names under serious consideration prior to the franchise’s selection of Kraken.
Seattle SouporSalads: “Not only would SouporSalads pay homage to the Sonics, but it would also appeal to our vegan target market,” said Leiweke.
Seattle Seaweed: “In written form, it’s a reference to Puget Sound flora, which ties in with the water theme every Seattle team is required by law to have,” Leiweke explained with a shrug. “However, said aloud, it’s a two-word shout out to our successful legal marijuana trade and booming illegal drug trafficking industry.”
Seattle Lumpsuckers: “I’ll bet you didn’t know that’s a real Puget Sound fish, did you?” the Seattle executive challenged. “Well, it is, and from what thousands of Japanese tourists tell me, it’s delicious. We liked ‘the Suckers’ for short, and how when we’d score a goal, we would ‘sucker-punch’ the opponent.” He thought about it for a moment before quipping, “Kind of like how I clocked Bruckheimer.”
Look out, we have new creatures at the Seattle Aquarium. These Pacific spiny lumpsuckers use their modified pelvic fins to form a suction cup which can adhere to kelp, rocks and other surfaces. Needless to say, they will be sticking around this weekend so be sure to visit. pic.twitter.com/CttkmZT6wG
— Seattle Aquarium (@SeattleAquarium) April 5, 2018
Seattle Homeless: “Homelessness is a rampant problem in our city,” asserted Leiweke. “Just like we will be a big problem for any team that dares to enter the Little Crack House on the Prairie.”
Seattle Sea Cups: “We really gave this one extra special consideration,” Leiweke said. “Women are a large part of our target demographic, and — honestly, ladies — what woman doesn’t want to be a Sea Cup?” Raising his hands high overhead as if signaling a touchdown, he added, “Plus, there’s that whole Stanley Cup quest thingy. I make this solemn vow to our fans: we’ll be pissing Rainier Beer into the Stanley Cup someday very soon.”
Twitter reacts
Twitter users responded to the list of rejected Seattle Kraken team names in predictable fashion.
Makes too much sense for the seattle expansion team to be called the seaweed. Geographically/ecologically correct AND marijuana is legal in washington. A no-brainer really
— Daniel Leuwer (@1danyleuwer) December 4, 2018
I vote for the "Seattle SoupOrSalads" for the #SeattleNHL expansion name.
— James Grachos (@GrachosToGo) December 7, 2018
Real lack of imagination on this list. Totems may have a sports history here, but’d be a shame as totem poles aren’t part of Coast Salish culture (more Alaska/BC). Skip the native HT unless working directly with the tribes. How about the Seattle Lumpsuckers? Logo’d be amazing. https://t.co/bwV9biq99t
— Jim Wharton (@jimwharton) December 4, 2018
Seattle has named their @NHL team the Kraken. I thought they would go with the Seattle Socialists, Seattle DrugAddicts, or Seattle Homeless.
Man, I was way off!— Ron Oriet (@roriet) July 25, 2020
Seattle C-Cups #FemaleASportsTeam
— AILEEN 💕 (@LeensterLennon) January 24, 2015
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