Trump Proposes Delaying Election Until ‘Statue of Lamentations’ Expires

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Having already suggested delaying the general election, President Trump now has a date in mind: August 2, 2022.

“Why not?” said a defiant Trump to a throng of reporters on the White House lawn. “As everyone knows, we’re doing an incredible job with the economy and the China Virus. A fantastic job, the likes of which no one has ever seen before.” Trump sniffed deeply. “Our internal polling shows me leading by one hundred points among all Trump voters. A hundred percent! And yet, the dishonest, unfair LameStream media refuses to report that.”

Asked to clarify his suggestion to delay the election, Trump’s tone grew dark. “Voting by mail will be the greatest disaster in American history,” he claimed baselessly. “Bigger than Shaving Ryan’s Privates or Done in Sixty Seconds, and much, much bigger than, you know, everything else that’s ever happened to our country.”

The president’s orange pancake makeup began to run as rivulets of sweat dripped in the summer heat. “Although we’ve utterly defeated the China Virus, we can’t let Stupidhead Joe and the left wing mob steal the election. We can’t allow that to happen or we won’t have a country. Our country will be totally and completely destroyed and probably go back to the Stone Age, maybe.”

Credit: giphy.com

Trump summed up his message by appealing directly to his base. “Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of presidential elections until Joe Biden probably dies or is in a nursing home.” He looked up, nodding his head. “And many people are telling me that will be on August 2nd, 2022.”

Election delay

Upon hearing the president’s suggested date, a frenzy of reporters shouting questions about its relevancy. “Quiet down, haters and losers,” he admonished. “Quiet down. Look, it all started with the fake news Michael Cohen thing. Michael was rightfully convicted for paying his own money for no reason to a woman I’ve never heard of before.” Trump waggled his finger for emphasis. “I’ve never masturbated to her incredible movie Sex Door Neighbors, that I can tell you.”

Trump wiped a smear of orange goo from his forehead. “The fake news check I didn’t write is dated August 1, 2017,” he pointed out. “As the Bible teaches us, the Statue of Lamentations for Michael’s criminal action runs out in five years. That means on August 2, 2022 the country can finally put it behind us and the presidential election can safely and securely be held.”

Donald Trump’s check started the ‘Statue of Lamentations’ clock. Credit: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Reporters react

As expected, the announcement generated a flood of shouted questions. “Mr. President, aren’t you hoping to postpone losing to former Vice President Biden so that you remain shielded from prosecution by the Southern District of New York?” asked ABC’s Jonathan Karl. “I’ve never heard of Biden, I don’t know the man,” Trump shrugged. “People tell me he’s a Never Trumper.”

Called upon next, Fox News’ John Roberts said, “Mr. President, you do know the term is statute of limitations, don’t you?” Mistaking the Fox correspondent for his judicial namesake, an irritated Trump responded, “You stick to the LameSpreme Court and I’ll run the country, ok?”

Don Jr. to the rescue

Seeing his father struggle with coherence on live television, slightly-less-stupid-than-Eric son Don Jr. took a page out of the Trump playbook by tweeting a distracting non-sequitur. Unfortunately for the ignorant prima donna, a legion of Twitter users subsequently owned him on social media.

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