On Thursday, Mars issued a decree barring the United States from all travel to the Red Planet. The ban applies to space probes, the coronavirus and Donald J. Trump.
“We don’t want your garbage polluting our dirt,” said Supreme Leader and Imperial Grand Poobah Marvin the Martian. “That includes the space junk you keep sending our way, the coronavirus, and Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supreme sandwiches.” A pair of antennae slowly emerged from Marvin’s head-phallus as he tuned into Bachelor in Paradise. “That shit is disgusting!”
Mars concerned
Marvin indicated that Mars has long been worried about the direction America has been heading. “Let’s look at the facts,” he said, ticking them off one at a time on his finger-phalluses. “For one, you love your guns. You lead the universe in mass shootings by about a hundred light years, and what do you do to solve the problem?” He shrugged his shoulder-phalluses. “Buy more guns!”
The Martian leader lifted a tentacle and farted to improve reception just as Carly Waddell was about to take off her top. “And what about climate change?” he challenged. “Do you really want to put on one million SPF sun block just to walk your g’ggglorp?” He swept his fifteen tentacles expansively across the horizon. “With a little TLC — that’s Tentacle Lubricant Contraception — your world could be just as lush and vibrant as ours.”
Growing visibly bored of Bachelor in Paradise now that Casey’s top was back on, Marvin changed the channel to Gilligan’s Island. “Whether it’s health care, income inequality, corruption or fatness, you suck.” He chuckled to himself. “Oh, Gilligan, when will you ever learn?”
The coronavirus
Asked if he was following the rampaging coronavirus currently plaguing America, Marvin nodded his head-phallus. “You bet your sweet fxthwptsptq I am,” he replied, pronouncing the word like a cross between a hiccup and a queef. “With our super-powerful cartoon telescopes, not only can we observe you on the toilet, but we can zoom in so closely that we can actually see the viruses themselves.” He licked his lips-phallus, saliva dripping down his chin-phallus. “Tasty!”
Marvin expressed frustration that the United States can’t seem to get its act together with respect to the coronavirus. “Almost all of the rest of your world has figured it out,” he lamented. “Even goddamn Pakistan has bent the curve, and they eat scorpion sandwiches and crap in rusty buckets.”
The Martian Supreme Leader and Imperial Grand Poobah indicated that although the coronavirus was part of the travel ban, he was certain Mars could defeat it. “Testing, social distancing and contact tracing,” he recited confidently. “Only a fool would claim it will just go away.”
President fool
When the subject of Donald Trump came up, Marvin rolled his eye-phalluses. “Speaking of fools. Look, we don’t agree with much of what any of your politicians have to say. Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Mitch McConnell, Mike Pence, they’re all completely useless.” Marvin set his jaw-phallus as he tuned into a Sons of Anarchy rerun. “But my God, that Trump is awful.”
Asked if Mars had plans for an invasion, Marvin replied, “We considered conquering America like in that stupid Tom Cruise movie War of the Worlds. But you idiots rally around your so-called leaders when you’re at war, and the last thing the universe wants is four more years of Trump.” He thought for a moment before opining, “Except for Uranus. Pardon my Martian, but they’re nothing but a planet of assholes.”
Marvin summed up his thoughts with a nod toward practicality. “Instead of attacking, we’re donating space-dollars and shiny ray guns to The Lincoln Project.” Clapping his hand-phalluses together, he added, “Let them do the dirty work.”
Please don’t retweet this or tag @realDonaldTrump.
He’s going to be so upset his favorite meme was used against him. pic.twitter.com/hoEifgc8Ed
— The Lincoln Project (@ProjectLincoln) August 7, 2020
Noting that it was time for him to enter cryo-sleep, Marvin indicated he had zero interest in meeting with the president. “None whatsoever,” he stated flatly. “He’s a freaking moron. For the love of everything good and holy, do not take me to your leader.”
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