WH Source: Kamala Harris Will Be a ‘Total Disaster’ as Vice President

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According to a White House source, Kamala Harris will be a ‘total disaster’ as Joe Biden’s vice president.

“She’s a complete loser,” said the source, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “She ran a terrible campaign and couldn’t even beat Sleepy Joe, who doesn’t know he’s alive, for the nomination.” The source waved his tiny hands in front of his face. “Along with Crazy Nancy and Shifty Schiff, she wasted millions of dollars on the fake news imcheapment.”

The source folded his arms as he sat behind the Resolute desk, scowling. “She hates your grandmother and mayonnaise on her pizza, that I can tell you.”

Blaming Harris

The source drew a sharp line between his record and Harris’. “I have probably gotten more done in the first 3 1/2 years than any source in history,” he bragged without evidence. “Take a look at what she’s doing to California. Look at Los Angeles with the tents, and the horrible, horrible disgusting conditions. Look at San Francisco, look at some of your other cities.”

Wolfing down a taco bowl and guzzling a Diet Coke, the source belched loudly. “Kamaltoe has done nothing, nothing at all,” he asserted. “She’s following the radical left agenda, take away your guns, destroy your 2nd Amendment, no religion, no anything. Hurt the Bible, hurt God. She’s against chocolate ice cream, she’s against toilets, she’s against prostitution, our kind of prostitution.” The source punctuated finishing off his lunch by ripping a fart, warning, “She’s a total disaster.”

The vice president

Others in the administration view Harris in a different light. “Ms. Harris is an extremely intelligent, highly qualified woman,” admitted a second unnamed White House source. “She’s also an attractive knockout who makes my private parts tingle. There’s no way I would dine or attend any event with her that served alcohol without Karen by my side.” Straightening his tie, the silver-haired former source of Indiana explained, “Erections are God’s sin spears.”

Although Harris has only been in the national limelight for three years, her long career in law enforcement worries the first source. “You know how they run out the clock in football by taking a knee, right?” he asked. “By the way, just so you know, kneeling is disgraceful, that I can tell you. But if your favorite president isn’t re-elected, she will — I would almost say definitely — probably come after me with some unpatriotic fake news prosecution. She hates your tattoos and your undescended testicle and our country.”

Drain the swamp

With the first source’s popularity in steep decline following a series of scandals and missteps, a Biden/Harris administration will have work to do on day one. “Ironically, we’ll have to drain the swamp of Trump’s cronies and influence peddlers,” quipped Harris. “I’m honored to be considered as vice president. Joe and I will work tirelessly to ensure Democrats win every seat in Congress from now until the sun burns out.”

Speaking from his basement in Scranton, New Jersey, Joe Biden agreed. “We’re going to get rid of all of the unqualified Trump flunkies. Come on, man! These guys gotta go. After that, we can restore the skoal of America.” Informed he had misstated his signature phrase, Biden responded, “Pardon me. Stroll.”

Credit: giphy.com

Presidential run

Moments after agreeing to run as Joe Biden’s vice president, Ms. Harris arranged a press conference to announce her upcoming candidacy for president. “Nine vice presidents have assumed the highest office,” she explained. “Now that I’ve shattered this glass ceiling, it’s time to break the penultimate one: the first female Indian-Jamaican attorney named ‘Kamala’ ever to win the presidency.”

Harris announced she has hired David Plouffe as campaign manager and unveiled her 2024 campaign slogan: The Heiress Harris.

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