MyPillow Guy Tapped to Serve as America’s First MyChinaVirus Guy

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Bored with peddling pillows, Mike Lindell has moved on to snake oil salesmanship.

On Tuesday, Donald Trump announced that the MyPillow founder has been named the nation’s first MyChinaVirus Guy. Effective immediately, Lindell will assume leadership of the White House Coronavirus Task Force and tend to every whim of the president.

“Mike is a great, great businessman who makes incredible pillows,” Trump gushed. “He’ll be an unbelievable MyChinaVirus Guy and amazing personal manservant to me, your favorite president.”

MyPillow Guy cure

Long a vocal defender of Donald Trump, Lindell caught the president’s attention with his rabid advocacy of Oleandrin as a supposed cure for Covid-19. “We were in the Situation Room watching Tits a Wonderful Life on those big screens they use for, you know, drone strikes and stuff,” recalled Trump. “Just as Hortense and Tiny Tina were about to get it on with The Tattoo Man, Mike leaned over and said, ‘By the way, Donny, I can save your presidency.’ I was like, I don’t know about that Mikey, everyone hates me. Mike watched the action on the screen really closely for a few seconds, then turns to me and says, ‘They can suck it. I’ve found the cure for Covid-19.'”

The president said he listened intently as Lindell explained how when mixed with bleach, cyanide and sulfuric acid, Oleandrin completely destroyed the virus. “It killed the ChinaVirus good,” Trump claimed, a look of victory on his face. “Mike told me we could put those ingredients and a little Kool-Aid in a gel cap and sell it as a supplement for a hundred bucks a bottle. We’d cure the ChinaVirus, make billions and possibly — I would almost say probably — maybe save the country.”

Production

Trump detailed how the supplement would be manufactured and marketed. “Mike suggested Minnesota, but Democrats run that city, so I nixed that,” he recalled. “We kicked around other great cities like Texas and Florida but decided the illegals there made too much money.” Trump ticked off the remaining options on his tiny fingers. “Eventually, we decided Shanghai was the patriotic choice. If we made it there, America would earn billions and billions of dollars in tariffs.” The president sniffed deeply before adding, “Maybe trillions.”

MyPillow founder Mike Lindell gazes at President Trump with adoration as he is named MyChinaVirus Guy. Credit: Gage Skidmore / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)

With respect to marketing, the president insisted the supplements would sell themselves. “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and poison somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK? So when I suggested drinking bleach, my voters — and they are big, big Trump fans, believe me — drank it.” Trump explained that the power of suggestion was key. “Anything I say, real Americans do,” he said. “It’s that simple.”

Lindell’s duties

The first order of business for the new MyChinaVirus Guy will be to chair the White House Coronavirus Task Force. “Mike Pence has done an amazing job, but he’s a total loser,” snapped Trump. “Lindell will draft an executive order for my signature outlawing masks and social distancing effective immediately, if not sooner. We can’t allow the fake news media to destroy our economy when all we need is a magic pill.” Trump again sniffed deeply. “In business — and I’m a great, great businessman, that I can tell you — it’s called a poison pill.”

Doubling as the president’s personal manservant, the MyPillow Guy will provide the constant attention and adulation Trump craves. “He’ll be at my beck and call,” he asserted. “You might even say he’s my beck and call boy. He’ll fetch my dinner, draw my bath, dial up Vlad for our evening chat, and anything else I need.” Pointing to his new MyPillow, the president added, “When I go to bed, he’ll put the fluff in ‘fluffer’.”

Twitter reacts

Both mainstream and social media had plenty to say about the administration’s newly-minted MyChinaVirus Guy.

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