Add the Prince of Darkness to the long list of former Trump associates in legal trouble. During his bail hearing, Steve Bannon made hot water a literal condition by agreeing to bathe at least once before his trial.
“I’m pleased to announce that my client has been granted bail,” said attorney Saul Goodman to a cadre of reporters. “Mr. Bannon must produce $1.7 million in bond collateral, restrict his travel, and perhaps most importantly, take a bath.”
The best people
During his 2016 presidential run, then-candidate Donald Trump infamously promised to surround himself with the best people if elected. Bannon — who hadn’t bathed in decades — served as campaign chairman in the latter stage of of the race. “Who cares that he doesn’t shower,” offered Trump at the time. “I pay him to win, not to waste water.”
We are going to WIN, sooner rather than later!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) March 19, 2020
After being fired in August, 2017 for making negative comments about administration officials, the narrative changed. “Bannon stunk worse than a hobo’s butthole,” confided senior advisor Jared Kushner. “He smelled like dog puke all day, every day. It got to the point that during cabinet meetings, we had him sit inside a trash can so that the waft of garbage masked the stench.”
Bannon versus Trump
Previously enjoying a close relationship with Trump — including watching Legally Boned together during security briefings — their relationship shattered in the wake of Bannon’s dismissal. “I worked with Steve Bannon for a very short period of time,” deflected the president. “He was a disaster as campaign chairman. I don’t know much about him, but from what people tell me, he was a total loser.”
Asked about his bathing habits, Trump held his nose in disgust. “Bannon smelled worse than hooker pee on a Russian hotel bed,” he snapped. “And he looked like a fat, stupid Columbo played by a homeless Michael Douglas.”
bannon #haiku
greasy steve bannon
smells like fish, grease and feces
doesn't care to bathe— Red Schindigg (@RSchindigg) August 21, 2020
The arrest
Bannon was arrested by Federal agents while on the luxury yacht of exiled Chinese dissident Guo Wengui. According to court documents, Wengui and Bannon were engaged in a heated argument regarding the former Republican strategist’s foul body odor when Postal Inspection Service agents rappelled from Black Hawk helicopters and captured him.
“Mission Command, this is Victor Bravo Four. The subject is in custody,” read the official post office transcript of the moment of capture. “Target smells like ass.”
In custody after having been read his rights, Bannon consented to a mandatory strip search but refused a post-arrest shower. “That’s American history crusted on me,” he claimed defiantly. “Sweat, pizza sauce, fluid exchanges, and much, much more. No way am I letting the Deep State Post Office scrape that off me.”
Bail conditions
During Thursday’s preliminary hearing, Bannon pleaded not guilty but argued with the judge over his bail conditions.
“We agreed with the judge that my client would post $1.7 million in cash or real estate collateral to secure his bond,” recounted Goodman. “There were a few other minor restrictions, including travel and limitations on porn, and we got through those rather quickly. But the battle came when Mr. Bannon was ordered to take a bath before trial.” Goodman ran his fingers through his hair. “My client became completely unglued, yelling about QAnon and the Deep State and other right wing fever swamp crap Trump associates regularly traffic in.”
The Texas GOP has adopted a QAnon slogan for itself. The president's deputy WH chief of staff has tweeted memes from QAnon. @AllMattNYT and me on the conspiracy movement that the FBI says poses a domestic terror threat, and its support from the president https://t.co/8UQ0VhFBeC
— Maggie Haberman (@maggieNYT) August 20, 2020
Goodman held up an index finger. “Just when I thought we weren’t going to be granted bail, suddenly the lights came on in Mr. Bannon’s eyes,” he said. “He quit arguing and consented to the order.”
The last laugh
Leaving the courthouse, a visibly-pleased Bannon broke into a wide grin. Asked why he seemed happy about the outcome of the hearing, he replied, “The judge said I had to bathe, but he didn’t say in what.” Eyeing the throng of reporters, he added with a malevolent chuckle, “Let’s just say there’s a lake of fire with my name all over it.”
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