RNC to Conclude With ‘Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV: The Musical’

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The Republican National Convention began the week playing the dark tones of the ‘radical left’ allegedly destroying America. Happily, it will end with optimistic tunes: a four-hour musical featuring a singing and dancing Donald J. Trump.

“Nobody knows showmanship better than Donald Trump,” marveled RNC Chairperson Ronna McDaniel. “In a normal convention, we’d schedule godawful boring speakers like Mike Pence, Rudy Giuliani and that whiny bitch Eric Trump. This year, we’ll spend the first three days comparing Joe Biden to Hitler, over and over again.” She paused, noting the collective disbelief on the faces of the assembled press. “After more Hitler parallels, day four will wrap with the most kick-ass MAGA musical you’ll ever see.”

MAGA singing and dancing troupe. Credit: giphy.com

Biden destroys America

“If elected, Joe Biden will nuke America back to the Stone Age,” read a leaked excerpt of former U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley’s RNC speech. “He will attack you, your spouse and your dog — he’ll enjoy the dog — and before long, you’ll pray he was Hitler.”

Donald Trump Jr.’s speech will be less disturbing, but equally incoherent. “The Democrats want to light America on fire,” he’ll claim. “Not with flamethrowers or even tiki torches, but one of those scented vanilla candles sold at Bed, Bath & Beyond. Instead of a sweet smell like Minions cereal, it’ll be old and musty like Grandma’s décolletage.”

Even President Trump’s RNC riffing will be replete with dark themes. “A Biden America would thrust us into chaos and madness,” it reads. “Stupidhead Joe and the radical left believe in anarchiski, universal votingov, and Molotov koktails vas bezumiye i zhestokost уча глупых людей сидят и мастурбируют.”

Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV

McDaniel indicated that unlike the ‘despicable’ DNC event last week, this week’s RNC will end triumphantly with Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV: The Musical. “It promises to be the most incredible Las Vegas-style production you’ve ever seen,” she predicted. “St. Trump, warrior of God, preaching Two Corinthians scripture and defeating an army of liberal heathens in court.”

The RNC is rumored to be considering Donald Trump, Jr. for the role of Eliza. Credit: Pexels.com

The RNC Chairperson rubbed her hands together with scarcely-contained glee. “The Godless liberals will be led by General Joe Biden, dressed in red tights, a pointy tail and goat horns,” she recited. “During the climactic finale, drag queen Eliza pins St. Trump to the ground with her stiletto heels and administers a Montreal Cognitive Assessment test.” McDaniel offered a slow smile before continuing. “St. Trump struggles heroically against the swirling, malevolent forces of evil before crying, ‘Person … woman … man … camera … TV!’”

McDaniel fanned her face with her hand. “I can’t do hyperbole like the president, but we’re going to blow the Democrats’ pathetic convention under the table.”

Trump weighs in

President Trump wasted no time hyping Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV: The Musical. “It will be totally incredible,” he gushed. “It’ll be a great, great musical, the likes of which the world has never seen before, believe me.”

Asked if he was going to be singing during the show, Trump replied, “Actually, I belt out five incredible numbers: Schumer Defeated, Election of 2020, Trump Comes Next, Ten Fool Commandments and Alexander HamilTrump.” The president grimaced with orange pride, adding, “I graduated with a degree in song-singing from Trump University.”

Twitter reacts

Twitter users expressed eagerness to tune into the final day of the RNC so they could enjoy Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV: The Musical.

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