God Appears as a Wet Blanket to Lecture About Law and Order

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During a scheduled campaign stop, Almighty God materialized as Mike Pence to lecture schoolchildren about law and order and presidential hypocrisy.

God appears

Prior to his RNC speech, Vice President Pence stopped at an elementary school in Madison, Wisconsin to lecture second graders about the dangers of having fun. Shortly after climbing the stage, massive storm clouds began to form, swirling high overhead as the winds picked up. Under divine control, the school band suddenly played an angelic rendition of Handel’s “Hallelujah Chorus”.

Schoolchildren celebrating the Lord in song. Credit: giphy.com

As Pence gasped, “What the … ?” he completely atomized, disappearing briefly before reappearing in a flash of brilliant light as a perfect version of himself. When the winds died down, Pence-God took the microphone and addressed the students.

He speaks

“SMALL HUMANS!” He bellowed. “It is I, the Lord God! I have arrived to teach you about law and order and your president, Donald Trump.” A little boy named Billy shouted, “My daddy likes that show,” causing the Lord to hiss through His teeth, “Quiet, you!”

Lilly Jacobs stood up, a question on her mind. “Almighty Pence, are you that guy on Johnny Quest?” Quickly correcting her, He said, “I am not ‘Almighty Pence’, I am the Lord God Almighty.” He cleared His throat, adding, “And for the last time, I am not Race Bannon.”

The case against Trump

The Lord began preaching to the bored second graders. “Children, your president has not followed my Holy words,” He proclaimed angrily. “He has repeatedly violated my Sixth Commandment.” Told by a little girl in pig tails that ‘the weirdo president guy’ had probably broken all ten, Pence-God roared, “WHAT?!! Who is he, Jerry Fallwell Jr.?” He grumbled under His breath, “Un-blessing-believable!”

God continued. “By breaking my commandments, he disregards law and order, spreads acrimony and is replete with gluttony.” Seeing the puzzled looks on the children’s faces, He clarified His words. “He’s a meanie pig.”

“Mr. God, the president says the radical left wants to burn our school down,” commented eight-year-old Jacob.“The president says the radical left wants to burn our school down,” mocked Pence-God sarcastically. “They are trashing your downtown stores and police stations, not your blessing schools!”

God noted that Washington, D.C. is too hopelessly political to compromise on issues that could benefit many Americans. “Your politicians — I mean elected leader dudes — can’t even pass sensible gun laws, provide cost-effective health care, combat rising global temperatures, fight corruption, curb gluttony or reduce income inequality,” He grumbled. “And Trump has the nerve to gas protesters and hold up my favorite book as a photo-op.”

The solution

The Lord opened a glowing Bible. “The Good Book has the answers to all man’s challenges,” He assured the children. “In fact, Proverbs 25:28 deals with this very subject.”

A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.

Pence God closed his Bible with a frustrated sigh. “That was rather cryptic,” He admitted. Addressing the assembly, He asked, “Do you think that scripture applies to Trump or the protesters?” While the students poked each other, pulled hair and babbled among themselves, He tapped his glowing fingers on the podium. “Never mind, tiny humans. Look, it really could be either one. Neither have self-control and both are wreaking havoc across your lands.”

Pence-God gazes impatiently at the assembly of second graders. Credit: Office of Bradley Byrne, United States Congress/Public domain

He wagged His glowing index finger at the children. “Tell your blessing parents to stop looting, elect better leaders and never again vote for reality TV stars. Otherwise, your next president may very well end up being Paris blessing Hilton!”

In a dazzling flash of glorious light, Pence-God exploded, the Lord returning to His throne in heaven. As the vice president’s eyes cleared, he looked around the assembly and whimpered, “Mother?”

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