With polls showing Donald Trump losing to Joe Biden both nationally and in key swing states, the president is clearly desperate to change voter perceptions. According to Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, that can be accomplished by the stroke of a presidential pen. Wednesday afternoon, paperwork was filed to officially rename the Electoral College ‘Trump University’.
“The president believes the name Electrical College is — and this is a direct quote — ‘stupid AF’,” said McEnany during her morning press briefing. “It’s not electrical and it sure as heck isn’t a college. We asked a focus group of Trump supporters to explain it, and none of them had a clue. But when we asked them to describe Trump University, everybody had a reaction.” She offered a wan smile, then continued. “They gave us responses like ‘scheme’, ‘settlement’ and ‘Justice Department’. Those are strong, powerful concepts that connote success, just as the president will be successful against Biden in November.”
Trump University
Founded in 2005, Trump University promoted get-rich schemes to gullible rubes for the mere cost of bankruptcy and financial ruin. “Students were taught valuable lessons about money management,” McEnany purred. “The president has utilized those principals while creating an exciting economy following the boring Obama era of steady growth. In less than four years, we’re now in a position where the only direction we can go as a country is up.”
McEnany asserted that the $25 million settlement Trump paid to former students proved his financial acumen. “$25 million is a lot of money,” she marveled, whistling aloud. “Mr. Trump guaranteed his students millions, and that’s exactly what they got.” Nodding her head, she added, “Promises made, promises kept.”
Donald Trump Agrees to Pay $25 Million in Trump University Settlement https://t.co/hUVIp9GiZK
— cobra6 (@LottCobra6) August 27, 2020
Marketing strategy
The press secretary said that the rebranding effort was designed to convince swing voters of the inevitability of four more years of Trump. “Through his amazing business ventures, the president has demonstrated the power of the Trump name,” she explained. “Be it Trump Casinos, Trump Steaks, Trump Airlines, Trump Vodka or his best-selling book The Audacity of Hope, he’s a proven winner. Rebranding the Electrical College as Trump University will only reinforce that image to his legion of chanting, red-hat followers.” Reminded by CNN’s Jim Acosta that Barack Obama wrote the book, McEnany shook her head. “Mr. Obama was born in Kenya. He couldn’t write his way out of a paper hut.”
In debate, @MittRomney should ask Obama why autobiography states "born in Kenya, raised in Indonesia."
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 1, 2012
McEnany indicated that the campaign was working hard to woo Electoral College delegates. “The Electrical College is the only thing that matters,” she explained. “We already know that dead people, illegal aliens, actual aliens, dogs and fat socialists will vote for Biden. Our strategy is to convince the Trump University delegates that they’ll get rich quick by simply casting their votes for Trump, no matter who their loser blue states prefer.” She shrugged her shoulders, adding, “And if that means we end up paying out another $25 million to guarantee victory, so be it. That would be yet another example of Mr. Trump’s stable genius.”
Trump weighs in
When asked to comment about the wisdom of resurrecting the discredited Trump University name, Trump replied, “It was a great, great university, the best anyone has ever seen before. We had fantastic people doing amazing work. Even though the fake news media likes to claim our $25 million bonus was a settlement, a lot of people are saying it was the biggest amount of money they’d ever seen.”
Trump bragged that he will win ‘yuge’ in November. “Stupidhead Joe will hide in his basement, crying like a stupid little girl, while I do anything it takes to win this election,” he predicted. “Whether I’ve got to grease pigs or grease palms, it’s gonna happen.” Dropping a wink, the president added, “Promises made, promises kept!”
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