In what promises to shake the presidential race to its foundation, three former Donald Trump pseudonyms will soon release a no-holds-barred book about the president.
“It’s going to be a beautiful thing, maybe the greatest book written since the Bible,” offered pseudonym David Barron. “The three of us have worked together for decades and know everything there is about your favorite president, Donald Trump.”
.@newtgingrich just stated that there has been no president since Abraham Lincoln who has been treated worse or more unfairly by the media than your favorite President, me! At the same time there has been no president who has accomplished more in his first two years in office!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 19, 2019
John Barron
Calling himself a spokesperson with unparalleled access to Trump during the 1980s, pseudonym John Barron enjoyed a front-row seat for all his activities. “If Donald Trump made an incredible real estate deal, I was there,” he bragged. “When he cheated on his wives, I was in bed with him. While he took a crap, I grunted on the toilet along with him.” Barron brushed a tuft of orange hair from his forehead, adding, “Donald Trump has always been smarter than Albert Einstein, more presidential than Abraham Lincoln, and sexier than Gilbert Godfrey, that I can tell you.”
In a rambling diatribe about the ‘Russia hoax’, the ‘impeachment hoax’ and The Atlantic ‘military hoax’, Barron insisted that Trump was unfairly targeted. “Nobody has done more for the military than Trump, because he understands them better than anybody. He knows more about ISIS than the generals do, believe me.”
John Miller
Serving as Donald Trump’s so-called publicist, pseudonym John Miller gushed about the president’s stamina. “He’s a tall, powerful, very stable genius,” Miller asserted. “Much more so than Stupidhead Joe, who doesn’t even know what side of his body his pecker is on. It’s called the front, Joe, it’s called the front.”
Asked about Trump posing as him during a 1991 People interview, Miller glared at the reporter, sniffing deeply. “You’re a nasty woman.”
David Dennison
Pseudonym David Dennison played a critical role during Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign: signing the nondisclosure agreement with porn actress Stormy Daniels. “Fake news,” snapped Dennison when asked to comment about it. “Mr. Trump is far too well-endowed for a porn star to take,” he claimed without evidence. “She wasn’t laughing at his pecker, she was laughing with it.”
Dennison went on to add, “If Trump actually had to pay her $130,000 in order to take a ride, would he give her the beautiful nickname ‘Horseface’ on Twitter?
“Federal Judge throws out Stormy Danials lawsuit versus Trump. Trump is entitled to full legal fees.” @FoxNews Great, now I can go after Horseface and her 3rd rate lawyer in the Great State of Texas. She will confirm the letter she signed! She knows nothing about me, a total con!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 16, 2018
Book excerpts
In their upcoming Trump tell-all book entitled Belittle Women, Barron, Miller and Dennison capture unfiltered moments in the life of the president, featuring the following ‘ladies man’ excerpt from a Jack in the Box drive-thru during 2018.
Clown’s head (staticky female voice): Welcome to Jack in the Box, may I take your order?
Trump: Hey sweet tits, whaddaya got cooking?
Clown’s head: Pardon me?
Trump: Guess what, mop squeezer — I’m president of the United States. Can you believe that happy horseshit or what?
Clown’s head: Like, ok.
Trump: Gimme a Jumbo Jack, make that four Jumbo Jacks, a large fries, chocolate shake, apple pie and your phone number, babe.
Clown’s head: Umm, I’m 16, sir.
Trump: That’s the age of consent in 34 states.
Clown’s head: Not this one.
Trump: You’re beautiful. Gimme a call in a couple of years, will ya toots?
Clown’s head: That’ll be $36.80.
October surprise
According to the three authors, Belittle Women will hit the shelves soon and serve to buoy the president during the final weeks of the campaign. “It’ll be a beautiful October surprise,” gloated Barron. “Stupidhead Joe will never see it coming, because he doesn’t even know he’s alive.” With that, Barron, Miller and Dennison shuffled away to watch The Da Vinci Load together in the Oval Office.
Belittle Women is scheduled for release on October 16th, 2020.
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