Hours after performing a monumental flip-flop over the nomination of a new Supreme Court justice, Lindsey Graham’s testicles have reportedly passed away.
“We are saddened over the tragic passage of our brother’s balls,” announced sister Darline Graham Nordone. “While never exactly a profile in courage, we had hoped Lindsey’s testicles might survive the Trump era. Sadly, like nearly all the president’s acolytes and toadies, that was not meant to be.”
The old Lindsey Graham
Prior to becoming completely subservient to Donald Trump, the South Carolina senator appeared to posses fully-functional gonads. “Years ago, he stood for things,” remembered Nordone fondly. “Or at least he said he did. Either way, there were times he’d make lucid comments and we’d be like, huh, maybe he has a pair after all.” She smiled at the memory, brushing a lock of hair from her face. “But then he joined the Trump cult. Not long afterward, his balls began to wither away.”
Remember when you had balls Lindsey Graham???
— MaryAnn 🐎🐎 Biden2020 BLM Good Trouble no dms (@MaryAWarrick1) May 12, 2020
Nordone indicated that the senator’s testicular fortitude was on full display during previous calls for immigration reform, his stand against torture, or his professed willingness to compromise. “Back then, he was basically a halfway decent human being, albeit a bit of a dumbass,” she reminisced. “Now, he’s nothing more than a ball-less piece of shit.”
The new Lindsey Graham
After being defeated by Donald Trump in the 2016 Republican primaries, Graham quickly marched to the front of the Trump cult line. “Lindsey’s urologist told us that within weeks of his hopping aboard the Trump train, his testicles began to shrink,” Nordone disclosed. “He’d say to him, ‘Hey Lindsey, guess what? Your balls are shrinking!’ As his abject devotion to the president grew, the mass of Lindsey’s gonads diminished proportionally.” She offered a wan smile, sighing deeply. “Toward the end, they were like a couple of leftover raisins at the bottom of an empty cereal box buried deep inside a landfill.”
Ironically, Graham’s testicular shrinkage was frequently mocked by Trump. “A few years back, Lindsey obsequiously lavished praise upon Trump, calling for him to receive a Nobel Peace Price. Trump turned to him and bellowed in front of thousands of red hat-wearing ignoramuses, ‘Hey, Lindsey, maybe I’ll nominate you for a No-Ball Peace Prize, right? C’mon folks, give that nutless motherfucker a hand, will ya?'”
Supreme Court ball death
The passing of Lindsey Graham’s testicles came shortly after his stunning reversal on Supreme Court nominations in the year before a presidential election. “When Obama nominated Merrick Garland in 2016, Lindsey and the other asshats invented completely fake justifications to thwart his confirmation,” said Nordone, shaking her head. “After the sad passing of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, they have now comically reversed themselves, arguing the exact opposite position.”
She raised an eyebrow at the blatant hypocrisy. “His testicles simply couldn’t take it anymore. It was like Lindsey’s balls kicked themselves in the balls.” Nordone checked her watch. “At approximately 9:03 last night, our dear brother’s testicles passed away.”
Twitter reacts
Twitter reacted predictably to the passing of Lindsey Graham’s balls.
MISSING- Lindsey Graham’s balls
If found, pls call 1-888-WHITE-HOUSE
— 👑🍀🌹🌜🐒~Kat~⭐🐇🌹🍀👑 (@Hyuktankhamun) September 22, 2020
In other news- Lindsey Graham’s balls are untraceable.
— C’mon Man! (@TrailerSwift5) September 13, 2020
Looking for Lindsey Graham’s balls #LindseyGrahamHasNoBalls pic.twitter.com/hrIzLhvkPv
— Black man in America (@BlackmaninAmer3) September 20, 2020
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