In a bombshell report by The New York Times, Donald Trump was exposed as a deeply flawed businessman whose tax returns show he perpetually hemorrhages money. Over the next few weeks, the Times will publish further articles explaining the reason why: a crushing addiction to cheeseburgers.
“Donald Trump doesn’t drink or smoke, but man alive, he sure as holy hell has a cheeseburger addiction,” exclaimed lead reporter Russ Buettner. “He wakes up around 5:30 and wolfs down the cheeseburger he put under his pillow the night before. While tweeting and grunting on his golden toilet, he eats his second burger.” Buettner paused, a bemused look on his face. “And then, as he lounges around in his pajamas over the next three hours enjoying ‘executive time’, he consumes at least four more. To paraphrase the old Army commercial, he eats more before 9AM than most people do all day.”
Billions and billions lost
According to Buettner, the President’s personal goal is to scarf at least fifty cheeseburgers per day. “The financial impact is staggering,” he marveled. “Do the math. Trump sends one of his minions to McDonalds fifty times a day — that’s why Kellyanne quit — and spends at least a hundred bucks per trip with fries, a shake and a new pair of gigantic pants. When you count the gas, tip, a couple of hookers and a few stupid impulse purchases along the way, it adds up to millions of dollars every year.” Buettner whistled. “Maybe billions.”
Hookers and foolish impulse purchases notwithstanding, Trump’s fast food addiction has proven to be his undoing. “It’s mostly cheeseburgers,” confirmed Buettner. “Quarter Pounders with Cheese, bacon cheeseburgers with extra mayonnaise, even the occasional cheeseburger smoothie. His bank account has shrunk in inverse proportion to his expanding waistline.”
Great being with the National Champion Clemson Tigers last night at the White House. Because of the Shutdown I served them massive amounts of Fast Food (I paid), over 1000 hamburgers etc. Within one hour, it was all gone. Great guys and big eaters!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 15, 2019
Billions and billions owed
Over a period of decades, Trump’s cheeseburger obsession forced him to borrow billions of dollars from Russian oligarchs to plug his tax losses. “We all knew Vladimir Putin had something on the president, we just didn’t know what,” Buettner said wistfully. “The story about Russian hookers peeing on the hotel bed was, ironically, fake news Trump made up himself. He did it because he thought it was both sexier and far less embarrassing than admitting he had a cheeseburger addiction.”
Per the Times story, the bill is finally coming due. “More than $300 million of cheeseburger financing is owed over the next four years,” offered Buettner. “Trump will do anything to win in November so that he can sign over the Democrat ‘shithole’ cities of Chicago, Seattle and Portland to Russia to settle his debt.”
Ted Wheeler, the wacky Radical Left Do Nothing Democrat Mayor of Portland, who has watched great death and destruction of his City during his tenure, thinks this lawless situation should go on forever. Wrong! Portland will never recover with a fool for a Mayor….
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 30, 2020
Tax consequences
The president’s tax returns tell the story of a man desperate to write off anything and everything to avoid paying taxes. “In addition to his cheeseburger deductions, Trump regularly claimed Malia and Sasha Obama as dependents and deducted the federal budget deficit for each year of his presidency,” disclosed Buettner. “He also took a write-off for Tesla’s $862 million loss last year, along with Melissa McCarthy’s 75-pound weight loss in 2018. Trump’s motto is simple: if he thinks it’s a loser, he’ll deduct it.” Buettner nodded his head, adding, “That’s how he justifies keeping Eric and Don Junior around.”
Asked to comment about his tax woes, Trump offered the following bizarre rejoinder:
It’s totally fake news. The failing New York Times will probably be out of business in the next short period of time. The Times still wants Crooked Hillary or Lyin’ Ted to win the presidency, and if Stupidhead Joe Biden gets in, that’s what will happen. Lyin’ Ted, remember him? Good ol’ Lyin’ Ted, whose father shot JFK, as your president? Not while I’m president. And Crooked Hillary, I beat her like a rented mule and the fake news media can’t take it. So they make up these stories because they hate our country, hate God and hate mules.”
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