Mirroring Joe Biden’s temporary cessation of Trump attack ads, multiple news outlets vowed to cast the president in a positive light during his Covid-19 affliction. In a rare display of unanimity, major news networks joined together to proclaim they are ‘positive’ Trump is a clown.
“Oh, I’m absolutely positive he’s a clown,” snapped NBC Nightly News anchor Lester Holt. “I know you’re used to me as a square-jawed, family-friendly news anchor, but come on, man.” Holt lit a cigarette, downing a shot of Jack Daniels. “Trump’s a goddamn loon, and this is Dateline.”
Anderson Cooper
Longtime CNN anchor Anderson Cooper was a bit more diplomatic. “Am I positive that asshat is a clown?” he asked rhetorically. “Does Raggedy Ann have a cotton crotch?”
Acceding to orders from upper management, Cooper closed his show on Tuesday with the following positive words about the president.
Respecting the wishes of former vice president Joe Biden, and as hard as it may be, I’ll try to say only positive things about Donald Trump while he battles Covid-19. I’m positive that after nearly four years in office, he is unqualified to be Commander-in-Chief. I’m positive he’s wholly unfit, both mentally and physically, to serve as president. Lastly, I’m positive he’s the most ignorant man to ever walk the face of the earth.
Rachel Maddow
MSNBC’s highest-rated host did not mince words when asked to offer positive comments about the president. “Oh, you want me to say only positive things about this president? Really?” she asked with a laugh. “Ok, fine. Given another term, I am positive Afghanistan will surpass us in social and economic freedom.” She belched loudly, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “I am positive we will go to war with Canada and when the dust settles, sign it over to Russia.”
Maddow dropped a wink, completing her thoughts. “And I am absolutely positive Trump will declare himself ‘Emperor for Life’ and never, ever leave the White House, with his handlers eventually lugging his morbidly obese carcass around like in Weekend at Bernie’s.”
Chris Wallace
Venerable Fox News anchor Chris Wallace displayed consummate professionalism while venturing frank opinions about Donald Trump. “The president interrupted either me or Vice President Biden a grand total of 128 times during the debate,” he pointed out. “At the risk of offering up a bad pun, I think that crowns him as POTUS interruptus”.
Wallace continued, “But in all fairness, everybody has their positive traits, including the president of the United States. This president is positively one of the most boorish, impulsive, feckless, reckless and cartoonish clowns this side of Montgomery Burns.”
Trump reacts
Asked by White House reporters to respond to the flood of ‘positive’ comments about him from high-profile television journalists, the president bogarted the remainder of the news conference with a bizarre soliloquy.
This is the greatest economy that we’ve had in our history, the best. But so I think, I think it would be, I think it would be very, very, I think we’d have a very, very solid, we would continue what we’re doing, we’d solidify what we’ve done, and we have other things on our plate we want to get done. It was a total political hoax. There were many fine people, on both sides. I will build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. It’s freezing and snowing in New York — we need global warming. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy. You can do anything.
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