Covid-19 Jumps Species, Infects Trump Adviser Stephen Miller

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Underscoring the challenges scientists face in developing a vaccine against Covid-19, the virus has reportedly jumped species again, this time infecting White House policy adviser Stephen Miller.

“As I’ve been saying for many months, this virus is remarkably resilient,” said a visibly frustrated Anthony Fauci. “Just when we thought things had finally bottomed out, the virus goes even lower by infecting a cold-blooded creature like Stephen Miller. Are we surprised? A little bit, yes, because we had assumed even viruses have standards.” Fauci offered a pained smile. “Obviously, we were wrong.”

Bats to humans

Originating in bats, Covid-19 eventually crossed over to humans. “It’s been reported that bats were being consumed in open air markets in Wuhan, China, and that started it all,” recited Fauci. “But after extensive genome sequencing, we no longer believe that’s the case.”

Fauci mapped the progression of the infestation on a white board. “Genetic evidence suggests that patient zero was a bat, which mated with a snake.” He drew a diagram of a bat and snake getting it on in a cheap motel. “Shortly thereafter, the snake copulated with a rat, which ultimately fooled around with a pig.” Fauci updated his white board with more PG-13 drawings. “The pig eventually hit a home run with a human in a barn.” He removed his glasses, cleaning them with his shirt. “To paraphrase E.B. White, it was some pig.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci believes that “some pig” transferred Covid-19 to humans. Credit: carnell.com

Humans to Stephen Miller

The NIADI Director was careful to speculate how Covid-19 transferred to Stephen Miller. “It’s highly unusual to see coronaviruses jump from warm-blooded mammals to cold-blooded animals,” he noted. “We don’t believe Miller caught the virus from another human, because, c’mon.” He shook his head slowly. “No human being would intentionally mate with Stephen Miller.”

Rather, genetic material from the snake likely transferred itself to the cold-blooded White House adviser in the same manner that toilet paper ended up on Donald Trump’s shoe. “It hitched a ride on an appropriate host,” he declared. “Just as toilet paper naturally sought out Trump, snake DNA attached itself to Stephen Miller.”

Trump rally

At his first rally since contracting Covid-19, the president slowly ascended the stage to Supertramp’s “Fool’s Overture” blaring over the loudspeakers. As the rallygoers cheered, Trump held up a poster of Joe Biden, theatrically tore it to ribbons, and methodically ate the shreds. Basking in the wild applause, he finished swallowing, grabbed the microphone and held his arms up high. He then ripped opened the coat to display his corpulent body in blue tights, a red cape and a red T on his chest. “Call me Super Trump!” he bellowed as the crowd went absolutely nuts, showering him with adulation.

Credit: heavy.com

“I feel so powerful,” announced Trump loudly as the cheering died down. “I’ll walk into that audience, I’ll kiss the guys and the beautiful women — everybody. I’ll grab ’em by the pussies.”

Asked after the rally what he thought of Stephen Miller’s Covid-19 affliction, Trump’s response was, as always, unfocused. “I totally beat the China Virus — and people are saying that I’m the most immune that anyone has ever been, that I can tell you. The economy is totally booming, I call it a ‘Super T’ shaped recovery that started in the third quarter after the horrible Obama economy earlier this year. It was a disaster. I did more this morning while taking a crap than Biden’s done in 47 years, believe me.”

Twitter weighs in

As usual, there was no shortage of commentary on Twitter regarding Stephen Miller contracting Covid-19.

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