After beseeching suburban women to like him, Donald Trump went a step further on Sunday, threatening to lose the election if more people don’t follow suit. “I’ll do it,” vowed the president to thousands of rallygoers in Muskegon, Michigan. “I’ll lose this damn election right now if millions of people all across this shithole country don’t start liking me.”
Historically unliked
Already deeply unpopular with women, Trump is similarly disliked by Hispanics, Blacks, young voters, older voters, and newborn babies. “Everybody hates me,” the president lamented. eliciting a chorus of boos at the Flyby Air rally. He scanned the crowd, a perplexed look crossing his face. “Even you hate me, and you’re all I’ve got.”
Addressing the reasons behind his historic unpopularity, Trump methodically ticked them off on his fingers. “People are saying that I sound like their crazy uncle on Twitter, ignorantly blathering in all caps,” he recited, rolling his eyes. “Others blame me for taking no responsibility for the China Virus — it’s all their fault, China should have stopped it, it should never have been allowed to happen — and also, for not doing anything about it.”
Our lives, death by COVID-19 because you did nothing.
— Katie VOTE BLUE DOWN TICKET ☘️😷🌎☮️ (@KTTampa) October 15, 2020
As the crowd booed lustily and began chanting “lock him up”, Trump continued his self-pitying rant. “Everyone says that I took a good Obama economy and drove it straight into the ground, just like I did with my Atlantic City casinos.” He shrugged his shoulders, a bemused look crossing his orange-caked face. “Who the hell loses money with a business model that depends upon drunken idiots throwing their money away?”
Acknowledging that his popularity is almost twelve points underwater and lagging nine points behind Joe Biden in the polls, the president got on his knees. “America, will you please like me?” he begged, hands clasped together. “Please. Please.”
FBI investigates
In a tersely-worded statement, the FBI announced it had opened an investigation into the president for ‘multiple violations of law’. “It’s a longstanding governmental practice not to disclose actions that might influence a U.S. election,” said director Christopher Wray. “But since James Comey did it in 2016, we figured, to use an Agency term, fuck it.” He cleared his throat. “Donald J. Trump is guilty of tax evasion, money laundering, influence peddling, witness intimidation and voter suppression.” Wray looked up from his prepared statement, adding, “Not to mention being a big, fat jagoff meanie-head.”
Do you get the impression that the Supreme Court doesn’t like me?
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) June 18, 2020
Informed of the investigation in the middle of his Muskegon rally, Trump rolled over onto his back. “It’s not fair!” he wailed, kicking his legs onstage in front of the booing rallygoers. “I’ve done more for the religious freaks and transgendered Hispanics than Herbert Hoover and yet nobody likes me!”
Election outcome
Asked to disclose the outcome of the election, Almighty God was circumspect about His master plan. “Let’s put it this way,” He offered, raising a glowing eyebrow while wolfing down a taco. “In the last two years, I’ve appeared as a hungry squirrel, a giant smokestack, a tick-infested cat, a chocolate bunny, a baby blimp, an effeminate bear and a wet blanket — all because of Trump.” His divine mouth curled into a wry smile. “As Albert Einstein said last week after purposely losing a game of Heavenly strip poker to the Andrews sisters: ‘you do math!'”
Queried about their respective opinions, Kelleyanne Conway, Stephen Miller, Rush Limbaugh, Mike Pence and Melanie Trump deferred, all hastily covering up their ‘I voted’ Lincoln Project pins.
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