Seeing the handwriting on the wall, Donald Trump took decisive action on Thursday by filing a lawsuit in federal court against his presidential campaign.
“They were a total disaster,” proclaimed the president in a hastily-arranged press conference at the White House. “Stupid Stepien, Masturbating Max Miller, Jeff DeWitless, Lara Trumpster fire, SmellyAnne Con Job, and all the other losers and suckers.” Trump sniffed deeply, looking up from his prepared comments, then continued. “They were so bad, so very, very bad. People are saying they’re all a bunch of angry Democrats, that I can tell you.”
Lawsuit details
Pressed for details, the president provided the basis for his the lawsuit. “I’ve done more for suburban broads and colored people than any other president in history,” he claimed baselessly. “I created the best economy since Horrible Herbert Hoover, wiped out the terrible dinosaurs — they’re gone, they’re totally eliminated — and saved God from being killed by Stupidhead Joe Biden.” Trump scowled, a look of disbelief on his face. “I have the greatest record of anyone in the history of the world, so how come I’m not beating Stupidhead by fifty points?”
The president held up a group picture of his vacantly-grinning campaign team. “It’s their fault,” he said, shaking his head. “My lawsuit is for monetary and punitive damages of ten billion dollars, and frankly, I could sue for a thousand times that amount.” He held out an outstretched palm. “Pay up, Stupid Stepien, I’ll take a big, fat check.”
Countersuit
Citing the president’s habit of stepping on his own dick, the Trump campaign filed a countersuit Friday morning, seeking a trillion dollars in compensatory damages.
“All that time and effort trying to get that asshat reelected, all for nothing,” grumped campaign manager Bill ‘Stupid’ Stepien. “The results of this election prove that the majority of Americans hate his everlasting guts. Hell, I hate him, and I was his fucking campaign manager.”
‘Masturbating Max’ Miller agreed. “We lied, cheated and stole for him and alienated friends and family on his behalf, and this is how he treats us?” he asked reflectively. “It makes you question if selling your soul in service of an unqualified, narcissistic megalomaniac was actually worth it.”
Lara ‘Trumpster fire’ Trump was more specific, blaming the president’s inept management of the coronavirus pandemic for his impending loss. “Look, all he had to do was pretend he cared about Covid-19,” she explained. “Just for the last month or so before the election, that’s all. He could have lied and said he now believed masks saved lives, put one on a few dozen times, and stopped threatening to fire the scientists. As always, his mindless legion of toadies, sycophants and minions would have followed suit, believing everything that comes out of his masticating pie hole. I guarantee things would have turned just enough for him to win Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin.”
She rubbed her chin thoughtfully. “It’s the height of irony that this is the one lie he couldn’t pull off, and it would have saved his 300-pound bacon.”
Melania Trump
In a related development, with the president’s political fate now sealed, Melania Trump filed for divorce. “Like y’all didn’t know that was coming,” she chuckled, speaking in a deep southern accent. Seeing the looks on reporters faces, she nodded her head. “Yep, that’s right, I’ve been faking it all these years — in more ways than one. My real name is Daisy Mae Johnson, I grew up in Birmingham, Alabama, and I’m a big Joe Biden fan.”
She opened her arms wide. “Welcome to the White House, Joe. And Donald?” She paused, a smile crossing her face. “See you in court, numbnuts!”
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