A Seattle man was surprised to learn his favorite insult is actually a feminine hygiene product. “Like, I never would have guessed that,” acknowledged Trevor Whitman while sipping a Starbucks Violet Drink. “I mean, my buds and I have been calling each other ‘douchebag’ for, like, forever. Who knew that was really a thing?” Douchebag […]
Read More Millennial Surprised to Learn ‘Douchebag’ Really Is a ThingIn a recent CNN interview, Joe Biden confirmed that his pathway to the presidency will likely involve more than crooked grins and incoherent babbling. “I probably need to do more,” Biden replied after CNN’s Chris Cuomo asked if looking presidential would be enough. “You’ve got to admit that I sure do look like a president, though,” […]
Read More Joe Biden Tells CNN He Needs to Do More Than Smile and BabbleEvery dog owner can relate to the sight of their pet twitching during sleep, paws moving as if running in place. Often, low growls or barks are included, leading the amused owner to believe Fido must be chasing something. But is that actually the case? “Absolutely not,” stated David Chu, Veterinarian at Stanford Medicine’s Veterinary […]
Read More Research Concludes Dogs Dream About Playing PokerNight two of the Democratic debates started cordially, but deteriorated quickly as the candidates began shouting insults at one another. Ultimately, they handed the GOP a political gift by snarkily giving each other Trump-style nicknames. “I have to say, it was beyond surreal,” said NBC Nightly News anchor Lester Holt. “The spell President Trump has […]
Read More Dem Debate, Night 2: Candidates Give Each Other Trump-Like NicknamesIn a last-minute surprise, Lucasfilm Ltd. announced it is replacing Indiana Jones star Harrison Ford with 102-year-old Kirk Douglas. According to Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy, Douglas has been signed to play the titular character for at least five sequels. “We appreciate everything Harrison has done for us, but let’s face it: the franchise has sucked […]
Read More 102-Year-Old Kirk Douglas to Star in next Five ‘Indiana Jones’ SequelsABC’s explosive President Trump: 30 Hours exclusive made worldwide headlines when the president admitted he’d welcome information from a foreign government on a political opponent. Due to time constraints, what didn’t make the cut was George Stephanopoulos grilling Trump on his claim that the Moon is a part of Mars: For all of the money […]
Read More Stephanopoulos Interview: Trump Claims Uranus Is Part of the MoonAfter reaching a deal to stem the flow of refugees to the U.S., President Trump hinted at a ‘secret’ agreement with Mexico. Following several days of uncertainty, the secret was unveiled: Taco Bell will begin offering Big Mac sandwiches at all of its U.S. locations. “It’s a fantastic deal,” said Trump while speaking to reporters […]
Read More Trump’s ‘Secret’ Deal with Mexico: Taco Bell to Offer Big Mac SandwichesAmericans love slogans. In 1928, the Republican Party distributed a circular claiming a Herbert Hoover presidency would result in “a chicken for every pot”. Bounty paper towels have been “The Quicker Picker Upper” for decades. A sea of red baseball caps emblazoned with “Make America Great Again” flooded Trump rallies during the 2016 presidential race. The […]
Read More You, Inc.: Treat Your Personal Finances Like a BusinessComing to your local weather report: Hurricane Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch? Over the weekend, the National Weather Service announced the retirement of its existing hurricane nomenclature system. Starting next year, a pilot program will allow storms to be sponsored by product advertisers. Although details are yet to be finalized, businesses will acquire sponsorships through a […]
Read More Hurricane Cap’n Crunch? Weather Service to Sell Storm SponsorshipsFollowing a wild week that included Special Counsel Bob Mueller’s stinging press conference, presidential attorney John Dowd’s incriminating transcripts, a new trade war and Donald Trump’s announced re-election kickoff, Vice President Mike Pence clearly had heard enough. In a stunning USA Today interview, Pence joined the growing list of members of Congress calling for the president’s […]
Read More Vice President Pence Calls for ‘Dotard’ Trump’s Impeachment
