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Robotic Democratic Candidate Andrew Yang Denies He’s Actually a Robot

Democratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang addressed reporters on Saturday to deny reports that he is, in fact, a real-life robot. “Negative,” responded Yang, shaking his head at Washington Post reporter Robert Costa. “That does not compute.” Yang and ‘The War on Normal People’ Rumors that Yang may be the world’s first cybernetic organism began shortly […]

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Trump Calls for ‘Big, Beautiful Bankruptcy’ to Eliminate the National Debt

During a rambling interview with Sean Hannity last week, President Trump previewed his economic plan for the coming year. While blaming Barack Obama for the worsening national debt, the president vowed he would tackle a problem that he claimed should have been solved years ago. Trump then spent spent twenty minutes talking about chocolate cake, […]

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‘The Walking Dead’ to Include ‘Tasteful’ Zombie Sex in Future Episodes

With viewership approaching half its former level, The Walking Dead is clearly in need of a shake-up. According to insiders, that’s exactly what will happen, as the venerable AMC series is about to make major changes. Starting with the second half of season ten, the show will add zombie sex to its storylines. “It’s time,” said The […]

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Cory Booker Blames Low Poll Numbers on His ‘Boy Band’ Name

While taking a break from the campaign trail, Cory Booker gave a frank assessment of the reason behind his low poll numbers. “When you look at the leading Democratic candidates, you see that they all have one thing in common,” he commented to beat reporters. “Joe, Elizabeth, Pete and Bernie are names of people you […]

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Review: ‘Knives Out’ Is the Worst Bond Movie Ever Made

Editor’s note: Admittedly, I am a tough movie reviewer. In the past, I’ve been critical of Yesterday, Bird Box and Zero Dark Thirty. On the other hand, I eagerly await the musical comedy remake of Apollo 13. So what did I think about Knives Out? Read on! On the way to the theater to see an afternoon showing […]

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God Appears as a Gigantic Chocolate Bunny to Rant Against Gluttony

Visitors to Pennsylvania’s Hershey Park rang in the new year witnessing Almighty God make a dramatic appearance to preach against the sin of overindulgence. God appears As Hershey Park visitors enjoyed the first day of 2020, the clear blue skies suddenly swirled with puffy, white clouds. Descending rapidly, the clouds steadily grew larger and darker, […]

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Trump Declares War on Clean Energy, Threatens to Break Wind

After issuing a wild screed against the wind, Donald Trump went further off the rails on Friday. In a largely incoherent interview with The Lucky Rock, the president declared war on renewable energy and vowed he would loudly and repeatedly break wind in order to defeat it. “I’ve broken plenty of harder things than wind,” […]

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The Antlion: Doodlebug, Doodlebug, Come out of Your Hole

Doodlebug, doodlebug, Come out of your hole Your house is on fire, And your children will burn. Imagine a predator with a plump abdomen, large jaws and a yuge appetite. Donald Trump? Too obvious. In this case, the honor goes to nature’s real-life Star Wars representation: the antlion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAnkFVaKnec Doodlebug, doodlebug The antlion is a fascinating […]

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President Trump Insists ‘Imcheapment’ Is a Congressional Fiscal Award

At a campaign rally following his historic impeachment, President Trump flipped the script on his Democratic foes, claiming he had actually won a prestigious award. “I’ve been imcheaped!” bellowed the president to an adoring crowd of over 5,400 fans at the Kellogg Arena in Battle Creek, Michigan. “Can you believe that? People are saying I’m […]

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Universal Studios Cancels Next Seven ‘Jurassic World’ Sequels

In a sharp rebuke of his own creation, Stephen Spielberg announced that Universal Studios will shelve the next seven Jurassic World sequels. The iconic franchise will lie dormant for a quarter century, before resuming with the tenth installment in 2045. “As a franchise, we suck dinosaur eggs,” he complained, addressing a coterie of reporters. “The […]

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