While peeing at a Bernie Sanders rally, a local college student began to ‘feel the Bern’ and rushed to the free clinic for treatment. “I was really scared,” said 20 year old Trevor Whitman. “I thought I might have the clap.” Bernie Sanders’ appeal A self-avowed Democratic Socialist, the 78 year old Sanders has managed […]
Read More Man Rushes to Doctor After Starting to ‘Feel the Bern’ at a Sanders RallyFollowing a torrid 15-month affair, President Trump called Kim Jong Un over the weekend, pleading with the North Korean leader not to end their relationship. “It was embarrassing,” confessed an unnamed White House source. “Donald was, how you say, crying throughout phone call. I kept saying ‘Donald, you’re making a fool of yourself, be best’.” […]
Read More Source: Emotional Trump Begs Kim Jong Un Not to End AffairLast week, a Chester, Texas dirt farmer learned a hard lesson about ignoring ancient warnings. Don’t do it. “I got me this weird lookin’ horse as an early Christmas present from Uncle Buck,” said subsistence farmer Joe Bucket. “I named her Forrest Jump after that retarded guy in that old flick.” Gently reminded that he […]
Read More Texas Farmer Ignores Warnings, Looks Gift Horse in the MouthReacting to a lawsuit filed against her by her owner, Devin Nunes’ cow had harsh words for the longtime GOP congressman. “It’s a bunch of us shit!” spat Winnie the Moo, a 1,300-pound dairy cow on Nunes’ Iowa farm. “Bullshit, horse shit, dog shit, whatever you want to call it. I speak for the entire […]
Read More Devin Nunes’ Cow Calls the GOP Congressman a ‘Gullibull Nincowpoop’In response to the dramatic increase in flags thrown this year, the NFL will eliminate most penalties starting with the 2021 season. Instead, the league will empower officials to use their words to influence future behavior. “As society has evolved, so must the National Football League,” acknowledged NFL spokesman Joe Lockhart. “Just as parental spanking […]
Read More NFL Passes Rule Replacing Most Penalties With Fatherly AdviceShortly after naming John Legend “Sexiest Man Alive”, People Magazine gave Rudy Giuliani its coveted “Sexiest Crazy SOB Alive” designation for 2019. “Mayor Giuliani richly deserves this honor,” lavished Editor-in-Chief Dan Wakeford. “This is the first year we’ve issued this award, and frankly, he’ll probably win it again next year. And the year after that, […]
Read More Rudy Giuliani Named People Magazine’s ‘Sexiest Crazy SOB Alive’Minutes before President Trump was scheduled to address the nation to air his grievances over the Democratic impeachment efforts, Almighty God performed a switcheroo miracle, zapping Trump into limbo and replacing him with the Trump baby blimp. He then faced the camera to warn Americans about widespread political corruption. Trump disappears As the countdown to […]
Read More God Addresses Nation as Trump Baby Blimp to Rail Against CorruptionAcknowledging the growing popularity of veganism, Hormel announced it will soon introduce a Spam-flavored drink called Sham. According to a company spokesperson, Sham will marry the flavor of Spam with vegan ingredients and pour like a ‘chunky, runny milkshake’. Shake plus Spam equals Sham Hormel Foods Director of Marketing Amy Sand acknowledged the 82-year old […]
Read More Hormel to Court Millennials with New Spam-Flavored Vegan DrinkIn addition to corroborating President Trump’s Ukraine extortion scheme, Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman’s impeachment inquiry testimony shed light on the failed US-North Korea summit in Hanoi last February. According to Vindman, Trump spent the entire time making inappropriate comments about the dong — Vietnam’s official currency. Vietnam is thriving like few places on earth. North […]
Read More Vindman: Trump Obsessed With Dong During US-North Korea SummitMike Pence checked into a conversion therapy clinic shortly after shaking Mayor Pete Buttieg’s hand at a South Bend black tie event, The Lucky Rock has learned. “It was the damnedest thing,” said Buttigieg. “We both attended a Kars 4 Kids charity dinner last month, and naturally, we ran into one another. I said something along […]
Read More Pence Seeks Conversion Therapy After Shaking Hands with Mayor Pete
