On Wednesday, President Trump seized the initiative by directing Attorney General Bill Barr to impeach every Democrat in the House of Representatives. “I think it is probably, possibly okay for me to do that,” Trump claimed to a throng of reporters. “Show me where the Constitution says I can’t impeach them.” The president pointed his […]
Read More Trump Fires Back, Orders AG Barr to Impeach ‘Loser’ House DemocratsIn an abrupt reversal, President Trump slammed the Federal Reserve for lowering the fed funds rate by a quarter point on Wednesday. Jay Powell and the Federal Reserve Fail Again. No “guts,” no sense, no vision! A terrible communicator! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 18, 2019 “What on earth is Jay Powell doing?” Trump […]
Read More Trump Blasts Fed for Cutting Interest Rates: ‘Even Don Jr. Isn’t That Dumb’In a sharp rebuke of Charles Darwin’s On the Origin of Species, new research indicates that humans evolved from horses. “Without a doubt,” confirmed Arizona State University paleoanthropologist Gary Schwartz, to a group of reporters. “The data is in, and it’s conclusive: Homo sapiens evolved from Equus caballus.” He smiled and said, “For those of […]
Read More New Evidence Proves Humans Evolved from HorsesDuring the third Democratic debate, the candidates sparred over health care, gun control, foreign policy and numerous other topics. While the tone ranged from collegial to caustic, the big news came in the last half hour when Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders cast serious doubt upon his own candidacy. The mic drop debate moment The stunning […]
Read More Sen. Sanders Stuns Debate Moderators: ‘You’re Throwing Your Vote Away’Frustrated over America’s interminable political infighting, God took matters into His own paws on Sunday. According to dozens of witnesses, the Lord appeared as a glowing, tick-infested cat in a Seattle neighborhood church to talk about health care. “It was a real-life miracle,” raved event organizer Scott Lewis. “Our band had finished playing and we were […]
Read More God Appears as Tick-Infested Cat to Lecture Americans About Health CareHours after Hurricane Dorian churned within 800 miles of Alabama, President Trump declared a state of emergency and activated the National Guard to restore order. “Alabama is a total disaster,” said the president during an Oval Office presentation. “People are saying trailer parks are everywhere and weeds are growing out of the sidewalks.” He set […]
Read More State of Emergency Declared in Alabama after 800-Mile Miss by DorianFrustrated with his enablers’ inability to dumb down the explanation of how tariffs work, President Trump took matters into his own hands. Following a sock puppet cabinet presentation by desiccated Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross (as Trump) and advisor Stephen Miller (as Chinese president Xi Jinping) last year, a confused Trump reportedly boiled over in anger. […]
Read More Incognito Trump Asked Country Bumpkin to Explain Tariffs to Him (Video)Hurtling through the galaxy at impossible speeds is a staple of space adventure tales. From Star Trek to Winnie the Pooh Gets Lost in Space, idiots have traversed the galaxy for decades, breaking all sorts of principles while doing so. The single cloud following Tigger around in The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh: Cloud, Cloud, […]
Read More 5 Universal Principles Totally Busted By HollywoodThis week, the NBA Board of Governors approved a controversial change destined to significantly alter the game going forward. Starting with the 2020-21 campaign, all games will be played with the players on roller skates. “Fans really enjoy the fast pace of today’s game,” said Los Angeles Lakers owner Jeanie Buss. “But it’s causing our […]
Read More Let the Good Times Roll: NBA Players to Begin Wearing Roller SkatesPer a published opinion paper, the American Vegan Society now considers frog a vegetable and a ‘green’ protein source. The dramatic policy shift affirms the millions of vegans nationwide now consuming the eco-friendly amphibian. The 32-page paper studied the dietary benefits of eating frog while balancing the ethical implications. A key excerpt came to the […]
Read More Vegan Society Deems Frog a ‘Green’ Source of Protein
