Despondent after yet another day of Tweeting braggadocio and petty grievances, Donald Trump’s iPhone committed suicide last night, multiple sources reported. Geek Squad “It’s true,” said Washington D.C. Geek Squad technician Sheldon Poindexter. “It was almost lunchtime when the presidential motorcade pulled up to our Best Buy store. “We were all like, man, that’s wack, […]
Read More President Trump’s iPhone Finally Commits SuicideOver the weekend, the longstanding debate over which of Donald Trump’s adult sons is stupider reached a fever pitch. Appearing on Fox News Sunday, Eric Trump claimed he drew the short straw with respect to brotherly intelligence. “Yeah, I’m way dumber, dude,” said Eric with a trace of pride. “I mean, it’s not like my brother […]
Read More Eric and Don Jr. Argue Over Which Trump Son Is DumberIn a controversial 5-4 decision, the American Egg Board voted to deem eggs ‘very unhealthy’ and advised the general public not to consume them. “Eggs are gross,” said AEB spokesperson Howard Helmer to a throng of reporters in a hastily-arranged press conference. “They are literally liquid chickens! And do you know where they come from?” […]
Read More American Egg Board Warns Americans Not to Eat EggsA visibly annoyed Almighty God criticized the tiresome political calls for ‘thoughts and prayers’ as an inadequate reaction to the latest mass shootings in America. ….Melania and I send our heartfelt thoughts and prayers to the great people of Texas. — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 4, 2019 The entire nation is horrified by today's […]
Read More God Blasts ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ Shooting Response at Florida Chic-fil-ADay two of the Democratic debates saw a feisty Joe Biden work to overcome his lackluster performance from the previous debate. Not only did mention Barack Obama at every turn, but Biden went a step further by promising to ‘slather’ himself in the former president from this point forward. “Look, I know everyone here would […]
Read More Joe Biden: ‘I Will Slather Myself in Obama if You Make Me Your President’Following Seattle’s four-game sweep of the Detroit Tigers, manager Scott Servias resurrected an old Cal Worthington trope. Ecstatic after his team’s fifth straight win, Servais vowed he’d ‘eat a bug’ if the Mariners don’t make the playoffs this year. “We’re gonna do it,” Servais insisted during his post-game press conference. “We’ve won six out of […]
Read More Servais Vows to ‘Eat a Bug’ if Streaking Mariners Don’t Make the PlayoffsOn Tuesday, NFL owners approved a new rule designed to combat declining ratings and concerns over player safety. The league will allow half-point scoring opportunities in various game situations, which will doubtlessly substantially alter offensive strategies. After extensive preseason testing, the new rules will be implemented during the 2020 NFL season. “Our fans have spoken,” […]
Read More NFL Owners Approve Half-Point Scoring Plays for the 2020 SeasonOn Saturday, President Trump sat down with CNN’s Anderson Cooper to discuss his incendiary comments about Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ayanna Pressley. Predictably, the president veered off-topic and hijacked the interview, unveiling new nicknames for every remaining presidential candidate. “I’m not going to speak badly about those four man-hating foreigners,” said Trump. […]
Read More Trump Reveals Nicknames for Every Democratic Presidential CandidateWhat do you get when you churn out a Groundhog Day sequel without a groundhog? You get a movie that’s careening on the railroad tracks, that’s what. To be fair, Yesterday is a pleasant love story filled with more Beatles’ tunes than you can illegally download. If you’ve never seen Groundhog Day, maybe that’s enough to […]
Read More ‘Groundhog Day’ Sequel ‘Yesterday’ Could Have Used a Large SquirrelIn a cruel twist of evolution, scientists have discovered a subhuman species that evolved within the past century. The University of Kentucky team credited with the find have dubbed the new species Homo Mitchis McConnell. “Mitchis McConnell — ‘Mitch’ for short — is like nothing we’ve seen before,” said lead paleoanthropologist Andrew Dean. “While all […]
Read More Scientists Discover New Subhuman Species: Homo Mitchis McConnell
