Seeing the handwriting on the wall, Donald Trump took decisive action on Thursday by filing a lawsuit in federal court against his presidential campaign. “They were a total disaster,” proclaimed the president in a hastily-arranged press conference at the White House. “Stupid Stepien, Masturbating Max Miller, Jeff DeWitless, Lara Trumpster fire, SmellyAnne Con Job, and […]
Read More President Trump Files Lawsuit Against His Own CampaignDuring Thursday’s presidential debate, Donald Trump and Joe Biden traded blows over a contentious ninety minutes. Arguably the most controversial moment came after Biden hammered Trump about his frequent trips to Mar-a-Lago, the president’s self-proclaimed ‘Southern White House’. On his heels from the forcefulness of Biden’s attack, Trump blurted out a series of two-word invectives, […]
Read More If Re-Elected, Trump Promises to Govern From White House BunkerAfter beseeching suburban women to like him, Donald Trump went a step further on Sunday, threatening to lose the election if more people don’t follow suit. “I’ll do it,” vowed the president to thousands of rallygoers in Muskegon, Michigan. “I’ll lose this damn election right now if millions of people all across this shithole country […]
Read More Trump Threatens to Lose Election if People Don’t Start Liking HimUnderscoring the challenges scientists face in developing a vaccine against Covid-19, the virus has reportedly jumped species again, this time infecting White House policy adviser Stephen Miller. It's jumped species. https://t.co/QDbvsZ4xOr — The Lincoln Project (@ProjectLincoln) October 6, 2020 “As I’ve been saying for many months, this virus is remarkably resilient,” said a visibly frustrated Anthony […]
Read More Covid-19 Jumps Species, Infects Trump Adviser Stephen MillerDuring Wednesday’s vice presidential debate, Mike Pence was consistently long on rhetoric and short on facts. The most noteworthy moment of the evening, however, saw Mother Nature weigh in by landing a fly on Pence’s snow-white hair. The vice presidential debate proved that Mike Pence is full of crap – https://t.co/1mfRyVFjbd pic.twitter.com/cbwGLy3GNd — Queerty (@Queerty) […]
Read More Vice President Pence Denies That He’s a Big Piece of CrapMirroring Joe Biden’s temporary cessation of Trump attack ads, multiple news outlets vowed to cast the president in a positive light during his Covid-19 affliction. In a rare display of unanimity, major news networks joined together to proclaim they are ‘positive’ Trump is a clown. “Oh, I’m absolutely positive he’s a clown,” snapped NBC Nightly […]
Read More Adopting Biden’s Upbeat Tack, Network News ‘Positive’ Trump Is a ClownIn a bombshell report by The New York Times, Donald Trump was exposed as a deeply flawed businessman whose tax returns show he perpetually hemorrhages money. Over the next few weeks, the Times will publish further articles explaining the reason why: a crushing addiction to cheeseburgers. “Donald Trump doesn’t drink or smoke, but man alive, he sure […]
Read More New York Times: Trump’s Staggering Tax Losses ‘Mostly Cheeseburgers’Hours after performing a monumental flip-flop over the nomination of a new Supreme Court justice, Lindsey Graham’s testicles have reportedly passed away. “We are saddened over the tragic passage of our brother’s balls,” announced sister Darline Graham Nordone. “While never exactly a profile in courage, we had hoped Lindsey’s testicles might survive the Trump era. […]
Read More After Supreme Court Flip-Flop, Lindsey Graham’s Balls Pass AwayIn what promises to shake the presidential race to its foundation, three former Donald Trump pseudonyms will soon release a no-holds-barred book about the president. “It’s going to be a beautiful thing, maybe the greatest book written since the Bible,” offered pseudonym David Barron. “The three of us have worked together for decades and know […]
Read More Former Trump Pseudonyms to Publish ‘October Surprise’ Tell-All BookWith polls showing Donald Trump losing to Joe Biden both nationally and in key swing states, the president is clearly desperate to change voter perceptions. According to Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, that can be accomplished by the stroke of a presidential pen. Wednesday afternoon, paperwork was filed to officially rename the Electoral College ‘Trump University’. […]
Read More Trump Administration to Rename Electoral College ‘Trump University’
