During a scheduled campaign stop, Almighty God materialized as Mike Pence to lecture schoolchildren about law and order and presidential hypocrisy. God appears Prior to his RNC speech, Vice President Pence stopped at an elementary school in Madison, Wisconsin to lecture second graders about the dangers of having fun. Shortly after climbing the stage, massive […]
Read More God Appears as a Wet Blanket to Lecture About Law and OrderThe Republican National Convention began the week playing the dark tones of the ‘radical left’ allegedly destroying America. Happily, it will end with optimistic tunes: a four-hour musical featuring a singing and dancing Donald J. Trump. “Nobody knows showmanship better than Donald Trump,” marveled RNC Chairperson Ronna McDaniel. “In a normal convention, we’d schedule godawful […]
Read More RNC to Conclude With ‘Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV: The Musical’Add the Prince of Darkness to the long list of former Trump associates in legal trouble. During his bail hearing, Steve Bannon made hot water a literal condition by agreeing to bathe at least once before his trial. “I’m pleased to announce that my client has been granted bail,” said attorney Saul Goodman to a […]
Read More Steve Bannon Granted Bail After Agreeing to Bathe Before TrialBored with peddling pillows, Mike Lindell has moved on to snake oil salesmanship. On Tuesday, Donald Trump announced that the MyPillow founder has been named the nation’s first MyChinaVirus Guy. Effective immediately, Lindell will assume leadership of the White House Coronavirus Task Force and tend to every whim of the president. “Mike is a great, […]
Read More MyPillow Guy Tapped to Serve as America’s First MyChinaVirus GuyAnticipating their father’s impending defeat in November, the elder Trump sons are ready for life after grift. According to Hollywood insiders, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. will star in a live-action remake of the iconic Beavis and Butt-Head cartoon. “The deal is done,” announced Universal Pictures president Jimmy Horowitz, lighting a celebratory cigar. “Those wacky, […]
Read More Trump Sons to Star in Live-Action ‘Beavis and Butt-Head’ MovieAccording to a White House source, Kamala Harris will be a ‘total disaster’ as Joe Biden’s vice president. “She’s a complete loser,” said the source, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “She ran a terrible campaign and couldn’t even beat Sleepy Joe, who doesn’t know he’s alive, for the nomination.” The source waved his tiny […]
Read More WH Source: Kamala Harris Will Be a ‘Total Disaster’ as Vice PresidentOn Thursday, Mars issued a decree barring the United States from all travel to the Red Planet. The ban applies to space probes, the coronavirus and Donald J. Trump. “We don’t want your garbage polluting our dirt,” said Supreme Leader and Imperial Grand Poobah Marvin the Martian. “That includes the space junk you keep sending […]
Read More Mars Issues U.S. Travel Ban and Requests Not to Be Taken to Our LeaderHaving already suggested delaying the general election, President Trump now has a date in mind: August 2, 2022. With Universal Mail-In Voting (not Absentee Voting, which is good), 2020 will be the most INACCURATE & FRAUDULENT Election in history. It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. Delay the Election until people can properly, […]
Read More Trump Proposes Delaying Election Until ‘Statue of Lamentations’ ExpiresRelease the Sea Cups? The Seattle Kraken — the NHL’s newest expansion franchise — considered a number of unconventional options before settling on their team name. Surprisingly, outside of Kraken, the final cut did not include any of the most argued-over choices. “We didn’t want to go with any of the boring names thousands of […]
Read More Release the Sea Cups! Five Rejected Seattle Kraken Team NamesSocial distancing, hand washing, face coverings … cosplay? In an effort to convince more people to wear masks, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently added Star Wars costumes to the list of approved coronavirus defenses. “While mask wearing has increased substantially nationwide, there are still idiots who just won’t do it,” observed CDC […]
Read More CDC Adds Star Wars Costumes to List of Approved Coronavirus Defenses
