Category: Humor

Trump Boasts He Aced ‘Goodnight Moon’ to Fox’s Chris Wallace

During a rambling interview with Fox News’ Chris Wallace, President Trump attempted to distance himself from presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden by claiming he, alone, can read Goodnight Moon.  The testy exchange began just after the president claimed his administration had defeated the coronavirus and that Americans can go back to living their normal […]

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Social Distancing Republicans Vow Not to Touch Trump With 10-Foot Pole

Mindful of the effects of COVID-19, Congressional Republicans have finally embraced social distancing and vowed to separate themselves from President Trump through election day. “We must remain unified and vigilant,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “With the virus raging throughout the country, we simply cannot risk presidential exposure. Effective immediately, congressional Republicans will distance […]

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Trump Calls the Lincoln Project ‘Lyin’ Lincoln’ in Disastrous Fox Interview

Donald Trump called into Fox & Friends on Wednesday to brag about the ‘unbelievable’ job he’s done as president and to pin a new nickname on presumptive opponent Joe Biden. But when asked for his response to the dozens of searing ads produced by the anti-Trump super PAC The Lincoln Project, his tone grew increasingly dark. […]

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Florida Celebrates Diversity by Changing Nickname to ‘America’s Wang’

In a nod to protesters demanding an end to racial inequity, Florida took a major step forward over the weekend. Following a spirited debate, the state’s legislature passed a resolution changing its nickname from ‘The Sunshine State‘ to ‘America’s Wang’. “With this historic vote, we have finally tackled the most pressing social injustice of our […]

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Planet of the Apes? Biologist Says Human Evolution Is ‘Wildly’ in Reverse

If noted evolutionary biologist Richard Dawkins is correct, a real-life planet of the apes is right around the corner. And someday, planet of the snails. “Evolution is wildly in reverse,” argued Dawkins, lighting a pipe. Blowing a perfect “O” smoke ring, he added, “I’d wager real money my grandson will actually be a monkey’s uncle.” […]

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Mnuchin Says Space Force to Evacuate Millions of Americans to Wyoming

On Sunday, Treasury Secretary Mnuchin told Fox News Sunday that effective immediately, Space Force will begin evacuating millions of Trump voters to Wyoming. “We must prepare for the possibility that the battle with COVID-19 could last into the next election cycle,” said Mnuchin. “In that unlikely event, the president believes the best way to preserve […]

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The Congo Sends Troops, Witch Doctors to U.S. to Restore Order

Deeming it a matter of national security, the Congo has sent thousands of troops and witch doctors to the United States. The militia took positions in cities across America while witch doctors began treating caronavirus-afflicted patients. “We felt we must act quickly,” explained Congolese president Félix Tshisekedi. “The disease threatens to overwhelm America, which apparently […]

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Trump Claims Victory Over Coronavirus After Declaring War on Bats

Blaming China for the coronavirus pandemic, President Trump issued an executive order declaring war on bats and making them illegal in the United States and its territories. The order was signed following a short Oval Office ceremony on Tuesday. “I’m a wartime president, and we’re now at war with the bats,” announced a triumphant Trump […]

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Trump Orders ‘Outbreak’ Star Dustin Hoffman to Save the Nation

Having tried abject denial, bald-faced lies and Windex, President Trump is reaching into his entertainment bag of tricks to tackle the coronavirus problem. After signing Executive Order 13989 into law, Dustin Hoffman is on the task. Outbreak Trump came up with the idea after watching the 1995 movie Outbreak with Vice President Pence in the Oval Office. […]

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Biden Promises to Select a Gender-Fluid Dog as First Pet

Immediately following the latest Democratic debate, Joe Biden made another promise likely to dramatically improve his standing with a key voting bloc: Millennials. “Number one, as I said during the debate, I’ll choose a woman as vice president,” Biden reiterated during an impromptu press conference. Shaking his fist, he vowed, “I’ll do it, dad gummit, […]

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