After weeks of 24/7 coronavirus coverage, CNN is officially changing its name to Coronavirus News Network. “It’s the biggest story in world history,” proclaimed CNN chairman Jeff Zucker. “Bigger than Pearl Harbor, 9/11, Harvey Weinstein’s perversion and Donald Trump’s perversion, times a billion. We’ve ordered our anchors to cover the outbreak at the expense of […]
Read More CNN Officially Changes Name to Coronavirus News NetworkDuring a tour of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, President Trump ordered the agency to use Windex to halt the spread of coronavirus in the U.S. Trump talks coronavirus On Friday, the president toured the CDC, meeting with Director Robert Redfield and Associate Director for Laboratory Science and Safety (ADLSS) Dr. Steve Monroe. […]
Read More Trump Orders CDC to Use Windex to Stop the Spread of CoronavirusOn Thursday, Elizabeth Warren took to the podium to announce she was suspending her campaign for president. Following the bittersweet news, Warren surprised reporters by indicating she was ready and willing to offer her endorsement. In a twist worthy of an O. Henry ending, she endorsed Chief Geoffrey Standing Bear, leader of the Osage Nation […]
Read More Elizabeth Warren Drops Out of 2020 Race, Endorses Chief Standing BearVisitors to Disney World were surprised to see a glowing Pooh Bear appeared before them to discuss America’s growing income inequality. God appears As Disney World visitors enjoyed the evening at Animal Kingdom, a series of mid 1980s-style lightning bolts criss-crossed a desolate section of the park. The bolts quickly became frenetic and, shortly thereafter, […]
Read More God Appears as an Effeminate Bear to Preach About Income InequalityOn Tuesday, longtime cable news host Rachel Maddow stunned her millions of fans by revealing she was leaving MSNBC for rival Fox News. Maddow will make the switch on April 1st with the debut of her new show Maddog Maddow. “After eleven pretty good years, I’ve decided it’s time to move on to greener pastures,” […]
Read More Vowing to Stop Bernie Sanders, Rachel Maddow Joins Fox NewsFollowing a 247-3 vote, the Paleontological Society passed a referendum acknowledging that most dinosaurs were, in all likelihood, delicious. “There’s little doubt dinosaurs tasted amazing,” said noted American paleontologist Jack Horner, munching on a chicken wing. He pointed to the gnawed bone as Exhibit A. “Like all birds, chickens evolved from dinosaurs, and we know they’re […]
Read More Paleontologists Agree Most Dinosaurs Tasted DeliciousOn Thursday, the Mississippi legislature overwhelmingly passed a resolution shortening the state’s name to Mipipi. In the text of the resolution, the new name was sounded out phonetically: My-pee-pee. Steve Spurrier would’ve come out after that game and said, “Can’t spell Mississippi without PEE PEE.” — Kyle Tucker (@KyleTucker_ATH) November 29, 2019 “It’s time, y’all,” […]
Read More Mississippi Legislature Votes to Shorten State Name to MipipiThe 92nd Academy Awards were briefly disrupted when a catfight broke out among Cats cast members and security personnel. “It was surreal,” said co-presenter Ryan Seacrest. “Honestly, I don’t know what Taylor Swift was thinking.” Best Documentary Feature Oscar The fracas began shortly after Mark Ruffalo announced that American Factory won the Oscar for Best Documentary Feature. “As […]
Read More Catfight! ‘Cats’ Stars Hiss and Claw at Security After Failing to Win OscarNoted feminist Gloria Steinem spoke to a women’s group on Wednesday with the #MeToo movement clearly on her mind. Claiming the word ‘women’ suggests toxic male dominance, Steinem proposed congressional action to officially desexualize the word. “Why do we need men in our noun?” she asked a crowd of over 200 people, headlined by U.S. […]
Read More Feminist Gloria Steinem Proposes New Law Separating ‘Men’ from WomenOn Saturday, Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski officially handed her balls to Donald Trump during a White House ceremony, multiple sources have reported. “You’ve performed a great service for your country,” said the president, gratefully accepting Murkowski’s balls. “The Republican party has never, ever been more unified, believe me!” I have never seen the Republican Party […]
Read More Sen. Murkowski Hands Trump Her Balls During White House Ceremony
