In response to the dramatic increase in flags thrown this year, the NFL will eliminate most penalties starting with the 2021 season. Instead, the league will empower officials to use their words to influence future behavior. “As society has evolved, so must the National Football League,” acknowledged NFL spokesman Joe Lockhart. “Just as parental spanking […]
Read More NFL Passes Rule Replacing Most Penalties With Fatherly AdviceFollowing the lead of the reality show presidency, the NFL will similarly blur the lines between between shameless promotion and abject entertainment. After Jennifer Lopez and Shakira play in the upcoming Super Bowl, the following year will see product placement take center stage. To wit, a raucous version of ‘Kars 4 Kids’ will be performed, […]
Read More ‘Kars 4 Kids’ and ‘My Hiney’s Clean’ to Headline Super Bowl Halftime ShowThe Houston Astros and Washington Nationals issued a joint statement Wednesday evening, apologizing for being the two most boring teams ever to meet in the World Series. “We’re dull,” admitted Astros manager A.J. Hinch. He jerked his thumb toward the other dugout. “Those Nationals assholes are, too. Match us up and you’ve got one crappy […]
Read More Astros, Nationals Apologize for Crappy World Series MatchupPlagued by poor performance and declining attendance, the Washington Redskins have reportedly been sold to American Licorice Company for an undisclosed amount. The team will remain in the nation’s capital and re-brand as the Red Vines. American Licorice spokesperson Susan Shimotsu said the sale will resolve the longstanding controversy over the team’s name. “We knew […]
Read More American Licorice Buys Washington Redskins, Renames Team ‘Red Vines’This week, the NBA Board of Governors approved a controversial change destined to significantly alter the game going forward. Starting with the 2020-21 campaign, all games will be played with the players on roller skates. “Fans really enjoy the fast pace of today’s game,” said Los Angeles Lakers owner Jeanie Buss. “But it’s causing our […]
Read More Let the Good Times Roll: NBA Players to Begin Wearing Roller SkatesFollowing Seattle’s four-game sweep of the Detroit Tigers, manager Scott Servias resurrected an old Cal Worthington trope. Ecstatic after his team’s fifth straight win, Servais vowed he’d ‘eat a bug’ if the Mariners don’t make the playoffs this year. “We’re gonna do it,” Servais insisted during his post-game press conference. “We’ve won six out of […]
Read More Servais Vows to ‘Eat a Bug’ if Streaking Mariners Don’t Make the PlayoffsOn Tuesday, NFL owners approved a new rule designed to combat declining ratings and concerns over player safety. The league will allow half-point scoring opportunities in various game situations, which will doubtlessly substantially alter offensive strategies. After extensive preseason testing, the new rules will be implemented during the 2020 NFL season. “Our fans have spoken,” […]
Read More NFL Owners Approve Half-Point Scoring Plays for the 2020 SeasonStep one: obtain an NHL franchise. Step two: select an exciting name to energize fans, sell merchandise and begin the marketing process. After years of frustrating area politics, the Seattle Sneeze have made impressive progress toward being ready for the 2021-22 NHL campaign. The one purported certainty — the remodel of Key Arena — has […]
Read More Seattle Sneeze to Play in Alka-Seltzer Plus Night Cold Formula ParkWe all make predictions that don’t come true. You stick your head out the window, note the cloud cover, and loudly announce it’s going to rain. A couple of hours later, the sun burns through, and voilà — it’s a sunny day. You’re not alone. Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan erroneously postulated in 2009 that […]
Read More I’m the Only Man in America Who Predicted the Mariners Would Be GoodWhen Seattle’s new NHL team hits the ice in 2021, it will have perhaps the most unusual name in professional sports. In lieu of rumored favorites like Totems, Emeralds, Rainiers, Sockeyes, or Kraken, the franchise will go an entirely different direction. “We’re picking a name that we feel represents the region — warts and all,” […]
Read More Seattle’s New NHL Team to Be Named ‘Sneeze’
