On Thursday, Mars issued a decree barring the United States from all travel to the Red Planet. The ban applies to space probes, the coronavirus and Donald J. Trump. “We don’t want your garbage polluting our dirt,” said Supreme Leader and Imperial Grand Poobah Marvin the Martian. “That includes the space junk you keep sending […]
Read More Mars Issues U.S. Travel Ban and Requests Not to Be Taken to Our LeaderDonald Trump called into Fox & Friends on Wednesday to brag about the ‘unbelievable’ job he’s done as president and to pin a new nickname on presumptive opponent Joe Biden. But when asked for his response to the dozens of searing ads produced by the anti-Trump super PAC The Lincoln Project, his tone grew increasingly dark. […]
Read More Trump Calls the Lincoln Project ‘Lyin’ Lincoln’ in Disastrous Fox InterviewImmediately following the latest Democratic debate, Joe Biden made another promise likely to dramatically improve his standing with a key voting bloc: Millennials. “Number one, as I said during the debate, I’ll choose a woman as vice president,” Biden reiterated during an impromptu press conference. Shaking his fist, he vowed, “I’ll do it, dad gummit, […]
Read More Biden Promises to Select a Gender-Fluid Dog as First PetDuring a tour of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, President Trump ordered the agency to use Windex to halt the spread of coronavirus in the U.S. Trump talks coronavirus On Friday, the president toured the CDC, meeting with Director Robert Redfield and Associate Director for Laboratory Science and Safety (ADLSS) Dr. Steve Monroe. […]
Read More Trump Orders CDC to Use Windex to Stop the Spread of CoronavirusOn Thursday, Elizabeth Warren took to the podium to announce she was suspending her campaign for president. Following the bittersweet news, Warren surprised reporters by indicating she was ready and willing to offer her endorsement. In a twist worthy of an O. Henry ending, she endorsed Chief Geoffrey Standing Bear, leader of the Osage Nation […]
Read More Elizabeth Warren Drops Out of 2020 Race, Endorses Chief Standing BearOn Tuesday, longtime cable news host Rachel Maddow stunned her millions of fans by revealing she was leaving MSNBC for rival Fox News. Maddow will make the switch on April 1st with the debut of her new show Maddog Maddow. “After eleven pretty good years, I’ve decided it’s time to move on to greener pastures,” […]
Read More Vowing to Stop Bernie Sanders, Rachel Maddow Joins Fox NewsDemocratic presidential candidate Andrew Yang addressed reporters on Saturday to deny reports that he is, in fact, a real-life robot. “Negative,” responded Yang, shaking his head at Washington Post reporter Robert Costa. “That does not compute.” Yang and ‘The War on Normal People’ Rumors that Yang may be the world’s first cybernetic organism began shortly […]
Read More Robotic Democratic Candidate Andrew Yang Denies He’s Actually a RobotWhile taking a break from the campaign trail, Cory Booker gave a frank assessment of the reason behind his low poll numbers. “When you look at the leading Democratic candidates, you see that they all have one thing in common,” he commented to beat reporters. “Joe, Elizabeth, Pete and Bernie are names of people you […]
Read More Cory Booker Blames Low Poll Numbers on His ‘Boy Band’ NameAfter issuing a wild screed against the wind, Donald Trump went further off the rails on Friday. In a largely incoherent interview with The Lucky Rock, the president declared war on renewable energy and vowed he would loudly and repeatedly break wind in order to defeat it. “I’ve broken plenty of harder things than wind,” […]
Read More Trump Declares War on Clean Energy, Threatens to Break WindWhile peeing at a Bernie Sanders rally, a local college student began to ‘feel the Bern’ and rushed to the free clinic for treatment. “I was really scared,” said 20 year old Trevor Whitman. “I thought I might have the clap.” Bernie Sanders’ appeal A self-avowed Democratic Socialist, the 78 year old Sanders has managed […]
Read More Man Rushes to Doctor After Starting to ‘Feel the Bern’ at a Sanders Rally
