Seeing the handwriting on the wall, Donald Trump took decisive action on Thursday by filing a lawsuit in federal court against his presidential campaign. “They were a total disaster,” proclaimed the president in a hastily-arranged press conference at the White House. “Stupid Stepien, Masturbating Max Miller, Jeff DeWitless, Lara Trumpster fire, SmellyAnne Con Job, and […]
Read More President Trump Files Lawsuit Against His Own CampaignAfter beseeching suburban women to like him, Donald Trump went a step further on Sunday, threatening to lose the election if more people don’t follow suit. “I’ll do it,” vowed the president to thousands of rallygoers in Muskegon, Michigan. “I’ll lose this damn election right now if millions of people all across this shithole country […]
Read More Trump Threatens to Lose Election if People Don’t Start Liking HimBored with peddling pillows, Mike Lindell has moved on to snake oil salesmanship. On Tuesday, Donald Trump announced that the MyPillow founder has been named the nation’s first MyChinaVirus Guy. Effective immediately, Lindell will assume leadership of the White House Coronavirus Task Force and tend to every whim of the president. “Mike is a great, […]
Read More MyPillow Guy Tapped to Serve as America’s First MyChinaVirus GuyOn Thursday, Mars issued a decree barring the United States from all travel to the Red Planet. The ban applies to space probes, the coronavirus and Donald J. Trump. “We don’t want your garbage polluting our dirt,” said Supreme Leader and Imperial Grand Poobah Marvin the Martian. “That includes the space junk you keep sending […]
Read More Mars Issues U.S. Travel Ban and Requests Not to Be Taken to Our LeaderOn Sunday, Treasury Secretary Mnuchin told Fox News Sunday that effective immediately, Space Force will begin evacuating millions of Trump voters to Wyoming. “We must prepare for the possibility that the battle with COVID-19 could last into the next election cycle,” said Mnuchin. “In that unlikely event, the president believes the best way to preserve […]
Read More Mnuchin Says Space Force to Evacuate Millions of Americans to WyomingDeeming it a matter of national security, the Congo has sent thousands of troops and witch doctors to the United States. The militia took positions in cities across America while witch doctors began treating caronavirus-afflicted patients. “We felt we must act quickly,” explained Congolese president Félix Tshisekedi. “The disease threatens to overwhelm America, which apparently […]
Read More The Congo Sends Troops, Witch Doctors to U.S. to Restore OrderBlaming China for the coronavirus pandemic, President Trump issued an executive order declaring war on bats and making them illegal in the United States and its territories. The order was signed following a short Oval Office ceremony on Tuesday. “I’m a wartime president, and we’re now at war with the bats,” announced a triumphant Trump […]
Read More Trump Claims Victory Over Coronavirus After Declaring War on BatsHaving tried abject denial, bald-faced lies and Windex, President Trump is reaching into his entertainment bag of tricks to tackle the coronavirus problem. After signing Executive Order 13989 into law, Dustin Hoffman is on the task. Outbreak Trump came up with the idea after watching the 1995 movie Outbreak with Vice President Pence in the Oval Office. […]
Read More Trump Orders ‘Outbreak’ Star Dustin Hoffman to Save the NationAfter weeks of 24/7 coronavirus coverage, CNN is officially changing its name to Coronavirus News Network. “It’s the biggest story in world history,” proclaimed CNN chairman Jeff Zucker. “Bigger than Pearl Harbor, 9/11, Harvey Weinstein’s perversion and Donald Trump’s perversion, times a billion. We’ve ordered our anchors to cover the outbreak at the expense of […]
Read More CNN Officially Changes Name to Coronavirus News Network
