Tag: Donald Trump

RNC to Conclude With ‘Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV: The Musical’

The Republican National Convention began the week playing the dark tones of the ‘radical left’ allegedly destroying America. Happily, it will end with optimistic tunes: a four-hour musical featuring a singing and dancing Donald J. Trump. “Nobody knows showmanship better than Donald Trump,” marveled RNC Chairperson Ronna McDaniel. “In a normal convention, we’d schedule godawful […]

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Steve Bannon Granted Bail After Agreeing to Bathe Before Trial

Add the Prince of Darkness to the long list of former Trump associates in legal trouble. During his bail hearing, Steve Bannon made hot water a literal condition by agreeing to bathe at least once before his trial. “I’m pleased to announce that my client has been granted bail,” said attorney Saul Goodman to a […]

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MyPillow Guy Tapped to Serve as America’s First MyChinaVirus Guy

Bored with peddling pillows, Mike Lindell has moved on to snake oil salesmanship. On Tuesday, Donald Trump announced that the MyPillow founder has been named the nation’s first MyChinaVirus Guy. Effective immediately, Lindell will assume leadership of the White House Coronavirus Task Force and tend to every whim of the president. “Mike is a great, […]

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Trump Sons to Star in Live-Action ‘Beavis and Butt-Head’ Movie

Anticipating their father’s impending defeat in November, the elder Trump sons are ready for life after grift. According to Hollywood insiders, Eric and Donald Trump Jr. will star in a live-action remake of the iconic Beavis and Butt-Head cartoon. “The deal is done,” announced Universal Pictures president Jimmy Horowitz, lighting a celebratory cigar. “Those wacky, […]

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WH Source: Kamala Harris Will Be a ‘Total Disaster’ as Vice President

According to a White House source, Kamala Harris will be a ‘total disaster’ as Joe Biden’s vice president. “She’s a complete loser,” said the source, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “She ran a terrible campaign and couldn’t even beat Sleepy Joe, who doesn’t know he’s alive, for the nomination.” The source waved his tiny […]

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Mars Issues U.S. Travel Ban and Requests Not to Be Taken to Our Leader

On Thursday, Mars issued a decree barring the United States from all travel to the Red Planet. The ban applies to space probes, the coronavirus and Donald J. Trump. “We don’t want your garbage polluting our dirt,” said Supreme Leader and Imperial Grand Poobah Marvin the Martian. “That includes the space junk you keep sending […]

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Trump Proposes Delaying Election Until ‘Statue of Lamentations’ Expires

Having already suggested delaying the general election, President Trump now has a date in mind: August 2, 2022. With Universal Mail-In Voting (not Absentee Voting, which is good), 2020 will be the most INACCURATE & FRAUDULENT Election in history. It will be a great embarrassment to the USA. Delay the Election until people can properly, […]

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Trump Boasts He Aced ‘Goodnight Moon’ to Fox’s Chris Wallace

During a rambling interview with Fox News’ Chris Wallace, President Trump attempted to distance himself from presumptive Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden by claiming he, alone, can read Goodnight Moon.  The testy exchange began just after the president claimed his administration had defeated the coronavirus and that Americans can go back to living their normal […]

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Trump Calls the Lincoln Project ‘Lyin’ Lincoln’ in Disastrous Fox Interview

Donald Trump called into Fox & Friends on Wednesday to brag about the ‘unbelievable’ job he’s done as president and to pin a new nickname on presumptive opponent Joe Biden. But when asked for his response to the dozens of searing ads produced by the anti-Trump super PAC The Lincoln Project, his tone grew increasingly dark. […]

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Mnuchin Says Space Force to Evacuate Millions of Americans to Wyoming

On Sunday, Treasury Secretary Mnuchin told Fox News Sunday that effective immediately, Space Force will begin evacuating millions of Trump voters to Wyoming. “We must prepare for the possibility that the battle with COVID-19 could last into the next election cycle,” said Mnuchin. “In that unlikely event, the president believes the best way to preserve […]

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