Blaming China for the coronavirus pandemic, President Trump issued an executive order declaring war on bats and making them illegal in the United States and its territories. The order was signed following a short Oval Office ceremony on Tuesday. “I’m a wartime president, and we’re now at war with the bats,” announced a triumphant Trump […]
Read More Trump Claims Victory Over Coronavirus After Declaring War on BatsHaving tried abject denial, bald-faced lies and Windex, President Trump is reaching into his entertainment bag of tricks to tackle the coronavirus problem. After signing Executive Order 13989 into law, Dustin Hoffman is on the task. Outbreak Trump came up with the idea after watching the 1995 movie Outbreak with Vice President Pence in the Oval Office. […]
Read More Trump Orders ‘Outbreak’ Star Dustin Hoffman to Save the NationAfter weeks of 24/7 coronavirus coverage, CNN is officially changing its name to Coronavirus News Network. “It’s the biggest story in world history,” proclaimed CNN chairman Jeff Zucker. “Bigger than Pearl Harbor, 9/11, Harvey Weinstein’s perversion and Donald Trump’s perversion, times a billion. We’ve ordered our anchors to cover the outbreak at the expense of […]
Read More CNN Officially Changes Name to Coronavirus News NetworkDuring a tour of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, President Trump ordered the agency to use Windex to halt the spread of coronavirus in the U.S. Trump talks coronavirus On Friday, the president toured the CDC, meeting with Director Robert Redfield and Associate Director for Laboratory Science and Safety (ADLSS) Dr. Steve Monroe. […]
Read More Trump Orders CDC to Use Windex to Stop the Spread of CoronavirusVisitors to Disney World were surprised to see a glowing Pooh Bear appeared before them to discuss America’s growing income inequality. God appears As Disney World visitors enjoyed the evening at Animal Kingdom, a series of mid 1980s-style lightning bolts criss-crossed a desolate section of the park. The bolts quickly became frenetic and, shortly thereafter, […]
Read More God Appears as an Effeminate Bear to Preach About Income InequalityOn Thursday, the Mississippi legislature overwhelmingly passed a resolution shortening the state’s name to Mipipi. In the text of the resolution, the new name was sounded out phonetically: My-pee-pee. Steve Spurrier would’ve come out after that game and said, “Can’t spell Mississippi without PEE PEE.” — Kyle Tucker (@KyleTucker_ATH) November 29, 2019 “It’s time, y’all,” […]
Read More Mississippi Legislature Votes to Shorten State Name to MipipiOn Saturday, Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski officially handed her balls to Donald Trump during a White House ceremony, multiple sources have reported. “You’ve performed a great service for your country,” said the president, gratefully accepting Murkowski’s balls. “The Republican party has never, ever been more unified, believe me!” I have never seen the Republican Party […]
Read More Sen. Murkowski Hands Trump Her Balls During White House CeremonyDuring a rambling interview with Sean Hannity last week, President Trump previewed his economic plan for the coming year. While blaming Barack Obama for the worsening national debt, the president vowed he would tackle a problem that he claimed should have been solved years ago. Trump then spent spent twenty minutes talking about chocolate cake, […]
Read More Trump Calls for ‘Big, Beautiful Bankruptcy’ to Eliminate the National DebtWhile taking a break from the campaign trail, Cory Booker gave a frank assessment of the reason behind his low poll numbers. “When you look at the leading Democratic candidates, you see that they all have one thing in common,” he commented to beat reporters. “Joe, Elizabeth, Pete and Bernie are names of people you […]
Read More Cory Booker Blames Low Poll Numbers on His ‘Boy Band’ NameDoodlebug, doodlebug, Come out of your hole Your house is on fire, And your children will burn. Imagine a predator with a plump abdomen, large jaws and a yuge appetite. Donald Trump? Too obvious. In this case, the honor goes to nature’s real-life Star Wars representation: the antlion. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAnkFVaKnec Doodlebug, doodlebug The antlion is a fascinating […]
Read More The Antlion: Doodlebug, Doodlebug, Come out of Your Hole
