On Thursday, Mars issued a decree barring the United States from all travel to the Red Planet. The ban applies to space probes, the coronavirus and Donald J. Trump. “We don’t want your garbage polluting our dirt,” said Supreme Leader and Imperial Grand Poobah Marvin the Martian. “That includes the space junk you keep sending […]
Read More Mars Issues U.S. Travel Ban and Requests Not to Be Taken to Our LeaderImmediately following the latest Democratic debate, Joe Biden made another promise likely to dramatically improve his standing with a key voting bloc: Millennials. “Number one, as I said during the debate, I’ll choose a woman as vice president,” Biden reiterated during an impromptu press conference. Shaking his fist, he vowed, “I’ll do it, dad gummit, […]
Read More Biden Promises to Select a Gender-Fluid Dog as First PetOn Thursday, Elizabeth Warren took to the podium to announce she was suspending her campaign for president. Following the bittersweet news, Warren surprised reporters by indicating she was ready and willing to offer her endorsement. In a twist worthy of an O. Henry ending, she endorsed Chief Geoffrey Standing Bear, leader of the Osage Nation […]
Read More Elizabeth Warren Drops Out of 2020 Race, Endorses Chief Standing BearWhile taking a break from the campaign trail, Cory Booker gave a frank assessment of the reason behind his low poll numbers. “When you look at the leading Democratic candidates, you see that they all have one thing in common,” he commented to beat reporters. “Joe, Elizabeth, Pete and Bernie are names of people you […]
Read More Cory Booker Blames Low Poll Numbers on His ‘Boy Band’ NameGet off my plane! Fed up with the reality show presidency of Donald Trump, legendary actor Harrison Ford has had enough. Citing his experience playing President James Marshall in Air Force One, the Hollywood star has declared his candidacy for president. “I can no longer stand idly by and watch this totally unqualified con artist […]
Read More Touting ‘Air Force One’ Credentials, Harrison Ford to Run for PresidentOn Saturday, President Trump sat down with CNN’s Anderson Cooper to discuss his incendiary comments about Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ayanna Pressley. Predictably, the president veered off-topic and hijacked the interview, unveiling new nicknames for every remaining presidential candidate. “I’m not going to speak badly about those four man-hating foreigners,” said Trump. […]
Read More Trump Reveals Nicknames for Every Democratic Presidential CandidateAfter passing the nation’s most extreme anti-abortion law, the Alabama legislature doubled down on Wednesday, outlawing ‘fun’ sex. Per the new law, the release of spermatozoa without the intent to conceive will be a Class C felony, punishable by five years in prison. The bill was signed into law by Governor Kay Ivey and went […]
Read More Alabama State Legislature Passes Measure Protecting the UnejaculatedAccompanying Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders on his nursing home rally tour, The Lucky Rock sat down with the Democratic Socialist to talk about a wide range of issues. Topics covered included his 2020 campaign strategy, his fitness for office, fellow presidential candidates, and income inequality. Noteworthy during the exclusive one-on-one conversation was the fact that […]
Read More The Lucky Rock’s Exclusive Interview with Senator Bernie SandersOn Tuesday, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders announced he was entering the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination. A day later, Sanders revealed his campaign strategy, one that will take a sharp turn from his failed 2016 approach. Instead of concentrating on college students and penniless left-wing activists, Sanders will target a new demographic: the […]
Read More Bernie Sanders Enters Presidential Race, Mulls Betty White as VPTraveling to El Paso, Texas for a campaign rally, President Trump granted an interview with The Lucky Rock on a wide range of subjects, including his recent physical, the growing list of 2020 Democratic challengers, climate change, the standoff over the border wall and the Russia investigation. Noteworthy in the exclusive one-on-one interview was Trump’s growing irritation […]
Read More The Lucky Rock’s Exclusive Interview with President Trump
