Tag: Kellyanne Conway

New York Times: Trump’s Staggering Tax Losses ‘Mostly Cheeseburgers’

In a bombshell report by The New York Times, Donald Trump was exposed as a deeply flawed businessman whose tax returns show he perpetually hemorrhages money. Over the next few weeks, the Times will publish further articles explaining the reason why: a crushing addiction to cheeseburgers. “Donald Trump doesn’t drink or smoke, but man alive, he sure […]

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Sen. Murkowski Hands Trump Her Balls During White House Ceremony

On Saturday, Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski officially handed her balls to Donald Trump during a White House ceremony, multiple sources have reported. “You’ve performed a great service for your country,” said the president, gratefully accepting Murkowski’s balls. “The Republican party has never, ever been more unified, believe me!” I have never seen the Republican Party […]

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Vindman: Trump Obsessed With Dong During US-North Korea Summit

In addition to corroborating President Trump’s Ukraine extortion scheme, Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman’s impeachment inquiry testimony shed light on the failed US-North Korea summit in Hanoi last February. According to Vindman, Trump spent the entire time making inappropriate comments about the dong — Vietnam’s official currency. Vietnam is thriving like few places on earth. North […]

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Hurricane Cap’n Crunch? Weather Service to Sell Storm Sponsorships

Coming to your local weather report: Hurricane Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch? Over the weekend, the National Weather Service announced the retirement of its existing hurricane nomenclature system. Starting next year, a pilot program will allow storms to be sponsored by product advertisers. Although details are yet to be finalized, businesses will acquire sponsorships through a […]

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Trump Mocks ‘Stupidhead Joe’ Biden at Campaign Rally

Shortly after the entrance of Joe Biden into the 2020 presidential race, President Trump wasted no time welcoming him into the fray: Welcome to the race Sleepy Joe. I only hope you have the intelligence, long in doubt, to wage a successful primary campaign. It will be nasty – you will be dealing with people […]

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Trump Administration to Redact Over 99% of the ‘Duller’ Report

In a move certain to enrage Democrats, the Justice Department will redact more than 99% of Robert Mueller’s Trump-Russia report, according to multiple sources. “The president calls it the ‘Duller’ report,” said Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway on Meet the Press. “We’ve got copies in every bathroom, in the lunch room, piled up by […]

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Elizabeth Warren Claims She Meant to Identify as ‘American Indianan’

After yet another public controversy over her heritage, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.) acknowledged that she misstated her ancestry on her Texas State Bar registration card back in 1986. The longtime Massachusetts senator claimed she glossed over the instructions and carelessly wrote in ‘American Indian’ instead of her intended characterization of ‘American Indianan‘. “It was over thirty […]

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WH Sources: Trump Concerned Dems May Be Wrong About Border Wall

According to three anonymous sources, President Trump is concerned that Democrats may be wrong about his promised border wall. The wall: a waste of money? “The president firmly believes Democrat resistance over his wall might be misguided,” said Kellyanne Conway the first source. “After watching Chris Matthews, Rachael Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell on MSNBC every […]

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