Despondent after yet another day of Tweeting braggadocio and petty grievances, Donald Trump’s iPhone committed suicide last night, multiple sources reported. Geek Squad “It’s true,” said Washington D.C. Geek Squad technician Sheldon Poindexter. “It was almost lunchtime when the presidential motorcade pulled up to our Best Buy store. “We were all like, man, that’s wack, […]
Read More President Trump’s iPhone Finally Commits SuicideIn a controversial 5-4 decision, the American Egg Board voted to deem eggs ‘very unhealthy’ and advised the general public not to consume them. “Eggs are gross,” said AEB spokesperson Howard Helmer to a throng of reporters in a hastily-arranged press conference. “They are literally liquid chickens! And do you know where they come from?” […]
Read More American Egg Board Warns Americans Not to Eat EggsKentucky Fried Chicken began as a depression-era roadside restaurant serving Colonel Harland Sanders‘ famously-seasoned fried chicken. The Trump-before-Trump Sanders would be the one suffering from depression were he still alive, as the fast food giant has agreed to a divestiture of chicken-related assets to settle a $100 million class action lawsuit. Over the next two […]
Read More Report: KFC, (Expletive Deleted) PETA Settle Class Action Lawsuit
