After beseeching suburban women to like him, Donald Trump went a step further on Sunday, threatening to lose the election if more people don’t follow suit. “I’ll do it,” vowed the president to thousands of rallygoers in Muskegon, Michigan. “I’ll lose this damn election right now if millions of people all across this shithole country […]
Read More Trump Threatens to Lose Election if People Don’t Start Liking HimDuring Wednesday’s vice presidential debate, Mike Pence was consistently long on rhetoric and short on facts. The most noteworthy moment of the evening, however, saw Mother Nature weigh in by landing a fly on Pence’s snow-white hair. The vice presidential debate proved that Mike Pence is full of crap – https://t.co/1mfRyVFjbd pic.twitter.com/cbwGLy3GNd — Queerty (@Queerty) […]
Read More Vice President Pence Denies That He’s a Big Piece of CrapDuring a scheduled campaign stop, Almighty God materialized as Mike Pence to lecture schoolchildren about law and order and presidential hypocrisy. God appears Prior to his RNC speech, Vice President Pence stopped at an elementary school in Madison, Wisconsin to lecture second graders about the dangers of having fun. Shortly after climbing the stage, massive […]
Read More God Appears as a Wet Blanket to Lecture About Law and OrderThe Republican National Convention began the week playing the dark tones of the ‘radical left’ allegedly destroying America. Happily, it will end with optimistic tunes: a four-hour musical featuring a singing and dancing Donald J. Trump. “Nobody knows showmanship better than Donald Trump,” marveled RNC Chairperson Ronna McDaniel. “In a normal convention, we’d schedule godawful […]
Read More RNC to Conclude With ‘Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV: The Musical’Bored with peddling pillows, Mike Lindell has moved on to snake oil salesmanship. On Tuesday, Donald Trump announced that the MyPillow founder has been named the nation’s first MyChinaVirus Guy. Effective immediately, Lindell will assume leadership of the White House Coronavirus Task Force and tend to every whim of the president. “Mike is a great, […]
Read More MyPillow Guy Tapped to Serve as America’s First MyChinaVirus GuyAccording to a White House source, Kamala Harris will be a ‘total disaster’ as Joe Biden’s vice president. “She’s a complete loser,” said the source, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “She ran a terrible campaign and couldn’t even beat Sleepy Joe, who doesn’t know he’s alive, for the nomination.” The source waved his tiny […]
Read More WH Source: Kamala Harris Will Be a ‘Total Disaster’ as Vice PresidentOn Thursday, Mars issued a decree barring the United States from all travel to the Red Planet. The ban applies to space probes, the coronavirus and Donald J. Trump. “We don’t want your garbage polluting our dirt,” said Supreme Leader and Imperial Grand Poobah Marvin the Martian. “That includes the space junk you keep sending […]
Read More Mars Issues U.S. Travel Ban and Requests Not to Be Taken to Our LeaderHaving tried abject denial, bald-faced lies and Windex, President Trump is reaching into his entertainment bag of tricks to tackle the coronavirus problem. After signing Executive Order 13989 into law, Dustin Hoffman is on the task. Outbreak Trump came up with the idea after watching the 1995 movie Outbreak with Vice President Pence in the Oval Office. […]
Read More Trump Orders ‘Outbreak’ Star Dustin Hoffman to Save the NationDuring a tour of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, President Trump ordered the agency to use Windex to halt the spread of coronavirus in the U.S. Trump talks coronavirus On Friday, the president toured the CDC, meeting with Director Robert Redfield and Associate Director for Laboratory Science and Safety (ADLSS) Dr. Steve Monroe. […]
Read More Trump Orders CDC to Use Windex to Stop the Spread of CoronavirusAfter issuing a wild screed against the wind, Donald Trump went further off the rails on Friday. In a largely incoherent interview with The Lucky Rock, the president declared war on renewable energy and vowed he would loudly and repeatedly break wind in order to defeat it. “I’ve broken plenty of harder things than wind,” […]
Read More Trump Declares War on Clean Energy, Threatens to Break Wind
