On Thursday, Mars issued a decree barring the United States from all travel to the Red Planet. The ban applies to space probes, the coronavirus and Donald J. Trump. “We don’t want your garbage polluting our dirt,” said Supreme Leader and Imperial Grand Poobah Marvin the Martian. “That includes the space junk you keep sending […]
Read More Mars Issues U.S. Travel Ban and Requests Not to Be Taken to Our LeaderMindful of the effects of COVID-19, Congressional Republicans have finally embraced social distancing and vowed to separate themselves from President Trump through election day. “We must remain unified and vigilant,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “With the virus raging throughout the country, we simply cannot risk presidential exposure. Effective immediately, congressional Republicans will distance […]
Read More Social Distancing Republicans Vow Not to Touch Trump With 10-Foot PoleAt a campaign rally following his historic impeachment, President Trump flipped the script on his Democratic foes, claiming he had actually won a prestigious award. “I’ve been imcheaped!” bellowed the president to an adoring crowd of over 5,400 fans at the Kellogg Arena in Battle Creek, Michigan. “Can you believe that? People are saying I’m […]
Read More President Trump Insists ‘Imcheapment’ Is a Congressional Fiscal AwardShortly after naming John Legend “Sexiest Man Alive”, People Magazine gave Rudy Giuliani its coveted “Sexiest Crazy SOB Alive” designation for 2019. “Mayor Giuliani richly deserves this honor,” lavished Editor-in-Chief Dan Wakeford. “This is the first year we’ve issued this award, and frankly, he’ll probably win it again next year. And the year after that, […]
Read More Rudy Giuliani Named People Magazine’s ‘Sexiest Crazy SOB Alive’In an attempt to move negotiations forward, Nancy Pelosi held a press conference Saturday to announce Democrats would support federal appropriations of $2 toward President Trump’s cherished border wall. “This is a big concession, a major concession,” declared Pelosi to a throng of reporters on Capitol Hill. “As you’ll recall, I started by offering $1 for […]
Read More Border Wall Breakthrough: Dems Double Offer to $2
