According to a White House source, Kamala Harris will be a ‘total disaster’ as Joe Biden’s vice president. “She’s a complete loser,” said the source, speaking on the condition of anonymity. “She ran a terrible campaign and couldn’t even beat Sleepy Joe, who doesn’t know he’s alive, for the nomination.” The source waved his tiny […]
Read More WH Source: Kamala Harris Will Be a ‘Total Disaster’ as Vice PresidentDuring a tour of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, President Trump ordered the agency to use Windex to halt the spread of coronavirus in the U.S. Trump talks coronavirus On Friday, the president toured the CDC, meeting with Director Robert Redfield and Associate Director for Laboratory Science and Safety (ADLSS) Dr. Steve Monroe. […]
Read More Trump Orders CDC to Use Windex to Stop the Spread of CoronavirusOn Thursday, the Mississippi legislature overwhelmingly passed a resolution shortening the state’s name to Mipipi. In the text of the resolution, the new name was sounded out phonetically: My-pee-pee. Steve Spurrier would’ve come out after that game and said, “Can’t spell Mississippi without PEE PEE.” — Kyle Tucker (@KyleTucker_ATH) November 29, 2019 “It’s time, y’all,” […]
Read More Mississippi Legislature Votes to Shorten State Name to MipipiAfter issuing a wild screed against the wind, Donald Trump went further off the rails on Friday. In a largely incoherent interview with The Lucky Rock, the president declared war on renewable energy and vowed he would loudly and repeatedly break wind in order to defeat it. “I’ve broken plenty of harder things than wind,” […]
Read More Trump Declares War on Clean Energy, Threatens to Break WindAt a campaign rally following his historic impeachment, President Trump flipped the script on his Democratic foes, claiming he had actually won a prestigious award. “I’ve been imcheaped!” bellowed the president to an adoring crowd of over 5,400 fans at the Kellogg Arena in Battle Creek, Michigan. “Can you believe that? People are saying I’m […]
Read More President Trump Insists ‘Imcheapment’ Is a Congressional Fiscal AwardHaving launched an investigation into the origins of the Russia probe, William Barr has ordered a new investigation — into that investigation. “We must investigate the investigation of the Russia investigation,” announced the Attorney General in a prepared statement. “As we aren’t certain of its true purpose, I suggest a full review is in order.” Barr […]
Read More AG Barr Launches Investigation of Investigation of Russia InvestigationDespondent after yet another day of Tweeting braggadocio and petty grievances, Donald Trump’s iPhone committed suicide last night, multiple sources reported. Geek Squad “It’s true,” said Washington D.C. Geek Squad technician Sheldon Poindexter. “It was almost lunchtime when the presidential motorcade pulled up to our Best Buy store. “We were all like, man, that’s wack, […]
Read More President Trump’s iPhone Finally Commits SuicideTraveling to El Paso, Texas for a campaign rally, President Trump granted an interview with The Lucky Rock on a wide range of subjects, including his recent physical, the growing list of 2020 Democratic challengers, climate change, the standoff over the border wall and the Russia investigation. Noteworthy in the exclusive one-on-one interview was Trump’s growing irritation […]
Read More The Lucky Rock’s Exclusive Interview with President TrumpIn an attempt to move negotiations forward, Nancy Pelosi held a press conference Saturday to announce Democrats would support federal appropriations of $2 toward President Trump’s cherished border wall. “This is a big concession, a major concession,” declared Pelosi to a throng of reporters on Capitol Hill. “As you’ll recall, I started by offering $1 for […]
Read More Border Wall Breakthrough: Dems Double Offer to $2Seeing his new slogan “BUILD THE WALL AND CRIME WILL FALL!” hilariously mocked on Twitter, President Trump turned to bargaining on the eve of negotiations with Nancy Pelosi over a new Continuing Resolution. BUILD A WALL & CRIME WILL FALL! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 23, 2019 “After a long nap and a gallon […]
Read More Trump Offers New Slogan to Pelosi: “Build the Fence & I’ll Dump Mike Pence”
