In a controversial 5-4 decision, the American Egg Board voted to deem eggs ‘very unhealthy’ and advised the general public not to consume them. “Eggs are gross,” said AEB spokesperson Howard Helmer to a throng of reporters in a hastily-arranged press conference. “They are literally liquid chickens! And do you know where they come from?” […]
Read More American Egg Board Warns Americans Not to Eat EggsLast week, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration hosted a symposium to discuss upcoming planned space missions. Just after lunch, the event was repeatedly interrupted by what one witness termed “juvenile” behavior exhibited by Administrator Jim Bridenstine. According to multiple sources, Bridenstine giggled, made fart noises, and yelled inappropriate comments whenever Dr. Shahid Aslam uttered the […]
Read More NASA Chief Makes Ass of Himself During Uranus PresentationLaunched from Cape Canaveral in 2011, NASA’s Curiosity rover has explored Mars over the past six years, transmitting large quantities of information back to Earth. Upon sifting through thousands of images and petabytes of data, scientists have reached a stunning conclusion: dirt exists on the Red Planet. “We did it!” exclaimed Dr. Peter Piranha, Chief Engineer for […]
Read More Breaking News: NASA’s Curiosity Rover Discovers Dirt on MarsWithin the next fifteen years, NASA hopes to prove the existence of intelligent life on Wyoming. “That’s the plan,” said Mission Design Team Manager Dr. Barry Umenema when asked about the recently green-lighted Cheyenne probe. “With water, oxygen, and complex organic molecules we call ‘rodeos’ already on Wyoming’s surface, the building blocks of life are […]
Read More NASA’s Cheyenne Probe to Determine if Intelligent Life Exists on Wyoming.After a seven minute plunge through the Martian atmosphere, NASA’s InSight probe landed successfully on the red planet, beginning an extended study of Mars’ geological and evolutionary processes. Hours after sending a beep to signal that it was in good working condition, the lander transmitted reams of data and images back to Earth, quickly confirming […]
Read More NASA’s InSight Lander Confirms Mars ‘Sucks’
