Tag: Paramount Pictures

God Appears as an Effeminate Bear to Preach About Income Inequality

Visitors to Disney World were surprised to see a glowing Pooh Bear appeared before them to discuss America’s growing income inequality. God appears As Disney World visitors enjoyed the evening at Animal Kingdom, a series of mid 1980s-style lightning bolts criss-crossed a desolate section of the park. The bolts quickly became frenetic and, shortly thereafter, […]

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Paleontologists Agree Most Dinosaurs Tasted Delicious

Following a 247-3 vote, the Paleontological Society passed a referendum acknowledging that most dinosaurs were, in all likelihood, delicious. “There’s little doubt dinosaurs tasted amazing,” said noted American paleontologist Jack Horner, munching on a chicken wing. He pointed to the gnawed bone as Exhibit A. “Like all birds, chickens evolved from dinosaurs, and we know they’re […]

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Paramount Pictures Announces Nathan Lane Will Play the Next Terminator

Hasta la vista, Arnie. In a tersely-worded statement, Paramount Pictures announced that it has “immediately and forever” severed ties with Terminator star Arnold Schwartzenegger. To replace him, the studio has hired veteran character actor Nathan Lane. “Arnold Schwartzenegger will no longer be the Terminator,” confirmed spokesperson Sarah Grant. “He played the character far too aggressively and […]

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