Immediately following the latest Democratic debate, Joe Biden made another promise likely to dramatically improve his standing with a key voting bloc: Millennials. “Number one, as I said during the debate, I’ll choose a woman as vice president,” Biden reiterated during an impromptu press conference. Shaking his fist, he vowed, “I’ll do it, dad gummit, […]
Read More Biden Promises to Select a Gender-Fluid Dog as First PetMinutes before President Trump was scheduled to address the nation to air his grievances over the Democratic impeachment efforts, Almighty God performed a switcheroo miracle, zapping Trump into limbo and replacing him with the Trump baby blimp. He then faced the camera to warn Americans about widespread political corruption. Trump disappears As the countdown to […]
Read More God Addresses Nation as Trump Baby Blimp to Rail Against CorruptionIn an abrupt reversal, President Trump slammed the Federal Reserve for lowering the fed funds rate by a quarter point on Wednesday. Jay Powell and the Federal Reserve Fail Again. No “guts,” no sense, no vision! A terrible communicator! — Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 18, 2019 “What on earth is Jay Powell doing?” Trump […]
Read More Trump Blasts Fed for Cutting Interest Rates: ‘Even Don Jr. Isn’t That Dumb’On Saturday, President Trump sat down with CNN’s Anderson Cooper to discuss his incendiary comments about Ilhan Omar, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and Ayanna Pressley. Predictably, the president veered off-topic and hijacked the interview, unveiling new nicknames for every remaining presidential candidate. “I’m not going to speak badly about those four man-hating foreigners,” said Trump. […]
Read More Trump Reveals Nicknames for Every Democratic Presidential CandidateIn a cruel twist of evolution, scientists have discovered a subhuman species that evolved within the past century. The University of Kentucky team credited with the find have dubbed the new species Homo Mitchis McConnell. “Mitchis McConnell — ‘Mitch’ for short — is like nothing we’ve seen before,” said lead paleoanthropologist Andrew Dean. “While all […]
Read More Scientists Discover New Subhuman Species: Homo Mitchis McConnellIn a recent CNN interview, Joe Biden confirmed that his pathway to the presidency will likely involve more than crooked grins and incoherent babbling. “I probably need to do more,” Biden replied after CNN’s Chris Cuomo asked if looking presidential would be enough. “You’ve got to admit that I sure do look like a president, though,” […]
Read More Joe Biden Tells CNN He Needs to Do More Than Smile and BabbleComing to your local weather report: Hurricane Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch? Over the weekend, the National Weather Service announced the retirement of its existing hurricane nomenclature system. Starting next year, a pilot program will allow storms to be sponsored by product advertisers. Although details are yet to be finalized, businesses will acquire sponsorships through a […]
Read More Hurricane Cap’n Crunch? Weather Service to Sell Storm SponsorshipsLast week, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration hosted a symposium to discuss upcoming planned space missions. Just after lunch, the event was repeatedly interrupted by what one witness termed “juvenile” behavior exhibited by Administrator Jim Bridenstine. According to multiple sources, Bridenstine giggled, made fart noises, and yelled inappropriate comments whenever Dr. Shahid Aslam uttered the […]
Read More NASA Chief Makes Ass of Himself During Uranus Presentation
